Totally pretentious FAQ

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A lot of the e-mails! I get ask the same questions. Because there are only so many times one can type "hoosier" without the phrase losing all meaning, I've compiled a totally pretentious and way-more-important-than-I-really-am list of most-asked questions BECAUSE I AM THAT LAZY:

What on earth is a hoosier?
- A "hoosier" is another word for "redneck" in Missouri. I am not in any way slamming the good people of Indiana.

Your hair is great. What do you use on it?
- I use Redken Soft Curls shampoo and conditioner. I alternate between allowing it to dry naturally or blow drying it (during winter) with a diffuser. When I was younger I tried to straighten it but it always looked like a horse's mane. I am not in anyway slamming horses.

My family's last name is Scaggs/Loesch too. Could we be related?
- For your sake I hope not. I am not in anyway slamming my family. Except for my Aunt Paula. I am totally slamming her.

Can I send you things?
- As long as it isn't anything illegal, perverted, disgusting, annoying, or that could harm me or my family, sure.

Can I send you my product for you to write about it on your website?
- For free? I'm joking. If it's really cool, I'll think about it, though I can't promise anything. It never hurts to ask. I always disclose how I got anything. Though I would advise against sending me something unsolicited and then firing off a kapillion e-mails asking me when I'm going to write about it and am I going to write about it? WHY WON'T I WRITE ABOUT IT, IT'S A GREAT PRODUCT. Because that like, totally makes me not want to write about it.

I'm a SAHM and a writer/freelancer too. How did you get your column and break into writing and do you have any advice for me?
- I have a lengthy romance with journalism which was my major. I write. A lot. I also have a hefty assortment of clips; some awards; nominations for awards; and the editors, they love me. All I can say is keep writing.

I cannot believe you spank your children. That's abuse.
- That is not a question. Go eat a fart.

Why do you homeschool?
- Because. And please don't worry about their socialization. Here's a rundown of how and with what I roll.

Do you and your husband plan on having more children?
- Yes. Ideally I'd like four - three boys and one girl (he objects, but whatever). I could not handle more than one girl. I have enough PMS by myself.

I like your photos. What kind of camera do you use?
- I use a Kodak Easy Share camera. It's not a pro camera, but it does have a 35mm lens which I love. I color-correct all of my photos in Adobe Photoshop 7.0 and I like to slightly pump up the saturation.

Have you always been a writer/What did you do before writing?
- Pretty much. I've written since I could first hold a pencil and self-published my first book when I was eight. It was about dragons and written on notebook paper complete with a dedication and pretentious-for-that-age author's bio. However, my writing didn't take center stage until my junior year of high school. I studied ballet for a frillion years and had planned to join a company after school until I got burnt out. I went to college on literary and journalism scholarships.

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