Don't try this at home

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Alternate title: And the Rockets Red Glare! Tadpoles Bursting in Air!

When I was younger a cousin of mine, who later grew up to play Dungeons and Dragons while listening to the "Black Album," showed me how to jam a lit bottlerocket into the mouth of a tadpole. If the tadpole was small, the bottlerocket would shoot up a bit before exploding and taking a piece of the tadpole's head with it. If it was a big, fat tadpole, the bottlerocket barely jumped, resulting in 3rd degree tadpole burns. Where I lived, there wasn't a kid who hadn't ever tried this unbelievably cruel method of infantile frog torture. Yes, it was mean and awful, and yes, it was sadistically appealing to the wicked immaturity of a developing child which is why kids did it in the first place. But we never wore fur!

One night last week the neighbor kids were shooting bottlerockets off from their driveway at a quarter-to-ten last night and it sounded like shrieking, screaming terrorists were coming through the roof, which woke the boys. I walked to the top of my drive and shouted for them to knock it off, it was late and not July 4th yet.
It reminded me of the tadpole story and caused me to smile as I thought about how many bottlerockets I'd have to cram down the throat of one neighbor kid in order to lift him off the ground.

Disclaimer: I never myself jammed a firecracker in a tadpole's mouth. I heart tadpoles. I HEART the neighbor kids. I would never make them eat firecrackers. Do not try this at home.

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