What to do when attacked by a swinger

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Chris and I recently attended a party where we were stalked by a swinging couple. I associate "swinging" with stuff that some bored people do in the Ozarks, so obviously I am negatively biased.

How does one say "YOU ARE RAPING MY PERSONAL SPACE" politely? It wasn't my party and I've a bit Bree Hodge in me wherein, in this instance, I literally ran all over the property trying to get away from my female stalker instead of just stating what needed to be said.

It all began when I went to get a drink and an intoxicated girl commented on my figure and then upon hearing that I'd had two children, gushed further about my figure. It got to the point where I was more uncomfortable in her presence than if I were around a herd of cat-calling construction workers. I said thanks and tried to move on. But BETCH WOULD NOT LET ME. She stood in my way and moved her face literally inches from mine and told me how cute she thought I was; I was getting second-hand drunk from her alcohol breath. I thought Joe Francis would hop out of the corner with a camera. At that point I shoved past her and made a beeline for Chris who was engaged in conversation with another guest. I sat down across from him and made dramatic Fivel eyes at him in the hopes that he would walk over and dry hump me, something, anything to really drive home the point that chicks are not my bag unless that bag is shoe shopping. He did not receive my mental message and I made a note to kick him in the balls when we got home.

Then she walked over to me, tried the whole face-right-by-my-face thing again and ohmygawd I held my hands so as not to hit her. I told her to back up but she was too busy breathing heavy to hear me. She was not getting the clue. HOW COULD SHE NOT GET A CLUE?

We recently made friends with the people hosting the soirée and I like them and didn't want to betray my pedigree by beating the holy hell out of one of their guests in their dining room. So I sat there, still as a cigar store Indian until she touched my cheek with her nose at which point I fell out of my seat, jumped up, and followed Chris and another guy out of the room. I literally ran, with my legs, away from her, over to a group of our friends and other guests and didn't move for the rest of the night, not even to refill my wine glass. The girl was hovering like a mosquito around the bar area.

The group was right in the middle of a conversation about how the girl and her boyfriend were apparently trolling the party for meat, looking for a couple with whom to swing. A female couple at the party said that they were infuriated by the guy and girl's behavior. I looked over my shoulder saw the boyfriend standing by another woman, his arm wrapped around her and his hand fully on her backside. I felt so totally Baptist at that moment.

Had a guy behaved this way towards me I would've have drove my heel into his beans and frank; Chris also would've beaten the guy to a pulp because Chris wants nothing more than an excuse to start an impromptu fight club. As we left I menacingly whispered to Chris: "I am equal opportunity beat-down here, Slasher! What's up with that? Did you not see the look on my face?!"

"Wait - I thought YOU were saving ME!!" he protested.

"What?"

"She followed me all around that party and tried to touch me and stuff. I kept running away from her." This happened before she came after me. Apparently another guest, when she saw the girl trying to hit on him, shouted and cussed at her ("B*tch! His wife is right outside. KNOCK IT OFF" were her exact words) in front of everyone and the girl slunk off.

"I was waiting, I knew that any minute you were going to slap the hell out of her. You didn't. It would've been funny."

Yes, it would have, because the girl was thirtyten feet tall and while I hit hard, at best I would've just scuffed up her knees.

As a result of this incident, we've developed a safe word that either one of us will shout when we need the other to fall in as backup, an unmistakable term chosen for its inability to fit into regular conversation. The added bonus of indiscriminately screaming "PLATYPUS!!" during an unwanted come-on is how it will disorientate the antagonist and temporarily suspend the advance.  

(So cool, this was featured on Five Star Friday. An awesome Fourth of July present, thank you!)


Five Star Friday

65 Comments

To be a fly on the wall....

I'm sure this was an uncomfortable and horrible experience, but it sure comes across as funny here!

The hosts should have booted them, though.

Also, I can't believe you don't have pictures. You could have used them in nefarious ways, being the St. Louis blogging queen and all...or would that be a misuse of your power?

Wow! That totally sounds like a sitcom waiting to happen!

I applaud your self-control,even if there was a bit of self preservation playing into it. I suspect my wife would thrown her best shot, regardless of the nut-job's size, then let the chips fall where they may.

So many questions:
Did you ever get any reaction from the party's host about this? Who were these people? Why don't they go back to the west coast where they belong? Regardless, I think you have the first scene of your novel if you ever choose to write one!

Oh wow! I'd have love to been a fly on the wall. Especially when the one guest cursed the betch out! I wonder why the hosts of the party invited them?

Wow, they're KNOWN for this behavior? Discreet much? Why don't they just take out an ad in the RFT like everyone else?

My cell ringtone is "I Kissed A Girl." If I only I had received a call in close proximity to you I might have saved you.

My BF and I use "Popcorn" as our code word.

I'm sorry for my wife's behavior.

It won't happen again.

Second hand drunk.....Love it!

Don - Funny - except they were admittedly not hitched!

I didn't say anything to the hosts because I didn't want to cause problems, however, judging from the general reaction 'round the party, I wasn't alone in my sentiment.

OH EM GEE

that is hilarious.

esp the part about another guest yelling at her while she was all over Chris

that is good stuff

You must run in a different social circle than I do! I've never even BEEN at a party where something like this has taken place!

Kathy - yeahhh no. And neither had I.

I am so sorry. I just couldn't help myself. I mean, you are pretty cute. Just kidding! That wasn't me. Wait, no, definitely not me.

I really think you could have plead self defense. No jury would have ever convicted you.

I am so sorry. You have to admit, you are pretty cute. Just kidding. It wasn't me. Wait, no, definitely not me.

I think you could have used self defense as the reason for your knocking her head off. No jury would have convicted you.

And I do believe it is a sitcom in the making, literally. Swingtown but I think a better name is Creeptown.

ummm. that's about the most anxious, nerve-wracking post i've read in a long time. can we say eeewww.


Yikes, Gross, Yikes! That is something right out of the time of Lot!

Fivel eyes. That is the funniest thing I've read all day.

Are you KIDDING ME? You MUST be making this stuff up! WOW. I'm not sure how I would have handled myself. Wow.

It said there was an error with my comment. Honest it did. (I'm really feeling like a dork right now.) It's not bad enough that someone already did my joke. I really should read the other comments before I make one. I think I will slink away now. Never mind the crazy lady exiting the building. Shutting up now.

Hey, Dana! You're totally cute, Luscious!!

;D

OMG, that was hilarious!

Oh my, Dana- Guess you can't help being a hottie! Sorry that happened to you- some people are just creaptastic. The hosts should've done something about the swingers. Guests should not have to run from other guests. I feel a little guilty, but I totally laughed it up reading this entire post. Carry mace to your next soiree!

There was a person who was fired from the company I work with last year who was known to tout that he and his wife had a "open" marriage. It is amazing how some individuals feel they can try to force that on you as if it would sway your decision....Glad no one got hurt. =)

Vivid image in my head of you standing at a party with another woman's nose on your cheek yelling "PLATYPUS"! HA HA HA HA

Thanks, needed the laugh!

Well, it did come across as funny, but I've been in that situation and it's weird. The couple was H.O.T. so I was flattered at the same time.

P.S. Found you through one of your comments elsewhere.

We once invited some new neighbors to our house when we were having some friends over, and we all ended up getting a weird vibe of the swinger type from them. They were nice people, not overly forward, but dude, they were a little off. We halfheartedly invited them over again a few times but they never took us up on it. I think they mistook the fact that we had a hot tub at the time as an invite for swinging. No thanks.

I have personal space issues, so if I had been stalked by that girl, I would have started throwing elbows. I would have loved to have seen the whole thing unfold, though. Sounds creepy in a funny way.

Fivel eyes. Ha!

That "Swingtown" party actually sounds like a gas. You should have just told the drunk chick: "Thanks, but we're taking another couple home to our trailer tonight."

That couple sounds lame. Good story, though!

Holy Swingtown.

Just found you -- I'm crackin' up. I'll definitely be back to read more!

Seriously, platypus? I would think they would take that as a double entendre.

If you would like to use another Australian monotreme I suggest Echidna. They are spiky and nasty.

Or a heel in the temple always works...

OMG! I had a similar thing happen to me in a bar once. While I should probably have been flattered because they were both cute; I was freaked out and spent the rest of the night clinging to my girlfriends. Oh, and if you didn't scare me I'd girlstalk you just to hear you yell "Platypus!" because that's funny as all get out!

Reminds me of an episode of "Mad About Her" where Paul disclosed the body language signal to another female associate and when said female associate went to talk to Helen, Helen was using the signal throughout the conversation. And OMG, I would have been freaked out for days if your situation would have happened to me.

I agree with another poster that you should not use platypus because of the double meanings. How about an odd color word such as chartreuse?? Heck, someone might even think it's someone's name if you yelled it.

I applaud your self-control,even if there was a bit of self preservation playing into it. I suspect my wife would thrown her best shot, regardless of the nut-job's size, then let the chips fall where they may.

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