One of my longtime readers emailed last night to ask why I
don't post as regularly anymore. Somehow the discussion got all big and
philosophical and it ended up becoming this big armchair therapy deal wherein I
realized a lot of things.
The gist was that my faith in people was really shaken this
year, following my massive screw-over by the P-D. Chase that with several people who came along years after I first
used, established, and trademarked my website's name and tried to use my mark
in various ways. I am very cynical and don't trust easy and it was really
alarming for me to watch as all of my ridiculous little neurotic hang-ups were
confirmed. Oh. And then there was all the drama in the comments for my SXSW
panel.
I kept writing, as I always have, as it was suggested to me
and encouraged by a therapist when I was a kid because it was the only real way
to draw anything out. It's a survival technique just as much as it is a hobby.
This has been a weird year (but punctuated with some really amazing things like the 30 Under 30, et al.) and because I wear my heart on my sleeve, my tone
and words mimic whatever it is that I'm feeling. I exorcise any hurt by
spitting it out in paragraphs but even I know that there's only so much poison
you can throw out into the world. So a lot of what I've been writing lately has
been private. I've also been busy with a side project and have gotten bogged
down with a couple other things.
I have no idea where I'm going with this so let's just roll.
For awhile I felt like I was writing more for other people than for myself. It's
not bad to have that feeling, but I think writing suffers when it's not balanced
by an awareness of audience and self-motivation. I have always written for
myself first. I didn't think about what others would think of it, about family
that would find it and freak the hell out, the PC implications, the censorship,
all of the extraneous crap that sanitizes and ruins writing. Then at one point
I pulled my head out of the sand and I saw what was going on and I hated it. I
hated having to come up with cutey-little mommy columns and when I bordered on
the line of what I really wanted to say the squares would freak out. I don't
like writing equally-cutely little blog posts and be all yeay! It's so easy!
Homeschooling and raising kids, and doing a radio show and let's all skip in a
field of daises! Because it's not. And I hate sanitizing my life for the sake of
a happy little blog post. That's not living.
Still don't know where I'm going with this. Sure, I could stick with kids' fashion or home interiors, or commit to
just discussing the Polly Sunshine aspects of life but that's not life. I could also just open a Word document and
write it all in there instead of, as some say, go attention-whoring in a post.
That's great and all, except that throughout this whole "writing for myself
first" thing I've come to realize that you and I have developed a little
repertoire. You push me to write better, to analyze things better, to
essentially keep a better record of my life. I could use you as a scapegoat and
say it's because of you that I don't write in a notebook. Yes and no. I like
the closure that comes with hitting "publish," too. I don't fully understand
it; it's all of these things and then some.
So I haven't been writing as often or as in-depth partly
because I've had to break through some sort of fourth wall in my own mind and
get over some things. It's a reason comments are off a lot, not like I get a
frillion of them or something, because it's a nice trick for me to pull more
out of a graph than if I think comments are on. Is that weird? I just think a
lot of women get caught up in statistics and who's publishing what where, self-branding, and all of this other crap that has NOTHING to do with writing
well. I don't want to feel trapped by that mindset.
Anyway, this is a jumbled up mess of a post but I feel better
having put it out there.
I'm going to go hang out with one of my muses. It's a good
day.
Don't delete it. I followed you perfectly. I think a lot of us get exactly what you're saying. You can't grow unless you're asleep. Same is true for your blog, sister. It's okay to sleep.
I have no idea why you would want to delete that post? It's honest blogging at it's best..the root of why all of us started blogging in the first place (IMO)
Don't delete this post, I love it.
I think that while you've been thwacked by some of the stuff that's happened to you this year, you've handled it with class and tact, imo. Also, that balance of writing for yourself vs audience is something so many of us face. See, I get frustrated because I can pour it out on my site, and I get a lot of hits. But not very many people say something back. I don't write for the comments but it's nice to get a conversation going sometimes, and lately, I've really been missing that conversation. I'm not trying to pander for more comments, or have people pet my hair and tell me I'm great and I fart perfume. No. But I like the ideas that I get from people that I wouldn't have thought of before, but dude, sometimes I hit publish and there are crickets, you know? Sometimes I wish I didn't even look at the stats/comments, but then if that's the case and I didn't care about what my readers thought, I could just stop and go to a notebook. Somehow, this blogging thing is more fulfilling, even if it ain't perfect.
I feel ya, even if I have a bit of an opposite point of view of it.
I printed it already so I stick my tongue out at you and your delete idea. Bleh!
You summed it up - living ain't skipping in the daisies. That's why we write.
Carry on...
It's okay to be vulnerable and unsure and admit to imperfection or even...being wrong about things or choices. I'm going through all that noise right now questioning if it was the right thing to leave my job with nothing else lined up, and if I can't joke about being unemployed, then I'm going to spend a lot of time being depressed. Or I'll be a Cylon, and that would be EEEEVIL.
To be honest, if you write about how your life is all perfect and cutesy, I don't want to read your blog, because life isn't that way. If it is, it ain't that way for long. It makes one seem fake and smug that their life is puppies and rainbows and unicorns. Because everyone, everyone has f-ed up things in their life now and again.
you've had one interesting year. . . and there's no doubt that all of that stuff impacts either your writing or what you choose to write or how you feel about writing it. that's ok. you're growing as a person, trying to figure it all out. and now your blog's growing with you. growing pains aren't called pains for no reason. if nothing else, blogging brought a group of us together to become IRL friends, and there's nothing better than that.
*hugs, girl*
Hey Dana,
I admit I miss that you don't post everyday lately, but if it meant that you were posting for "us" instead of yourself, then you have nothing to apologize for. I've called into your radio show a couple of times as "Dave from Nashville." (You might recall Stef cracking once, "Is that Nashville, TN, or Nashville, IL?") I'm originally from TN, then moved to STL when I was 11, then moved back to TN in 2004. As much as I love being back in the "homeland," I still check in to stltoday.com to see what's going on in the old 'hood, and that's how I discovered your column. Eventually I finally surfed your blog and loved it. Having followed your ups and downs over the last few years, I'm convinced that bigger and better things are in your future. Mark my words - the P-D will come to regret letting you go. BTW, I saved this post to your hard drive so it won't matter to me if you delete it. Mwahahaha. ;)
I, personally, really appreciate how real and brutally honest you are in your blog. It is challenging to me to do the same. Your blog also encourages me to not just record these every day ups and downs, but to do it well. Writing is a creative outlet - it's something that is all mine in a world where I have very little that is mine. Your blog inspires me to keep it real, to have fun and to laugh at the craziness of motherhood and of life! So thanks...
D'OH! That should've been, "saved this post to MY hard drive," not "your hard drive." I swear I corrected that before I posted it; I don't know WHAT happened there.
don't delete.
we haven't known each other a super long time, and yet i feel like i've known you forever. we're so different, in so many ways, but i so connect with your ballsyness and your spirit and your just being who you are, damn the haters, damn the expectations. sometimes it's hard to not just say what people want to hear, but i'm glad you fight that. it's a hard fight, but worth it. be dana. it is more than enough. it's awesome. xo
I just deleted an entire post because it was too whiny. Scratch that: it probably wasn't at all, but I'll write something, read another site that disparages "pity me" behavior in women, read another that hates braggarts, and wonder where the line is. It's a cliche, but it's really too easy to lose yourself when you're writing for publication -- even when it's your own personal blog.
"I like the closure that comes with hitting "publish," too."
This is so true. Glad it's not just me. I don't post as often as I would like to, but whatever... love this one... honest bloggin' rox.
Dana,
Once again your honesty is refreshing. Life is messy, hard, exhilarating and glorious all at one time. Thanks for having the courage to write what we all think . . . it's about damn time someone did. Oh, thanks for the info. in a previous post about homeschooling curriculum. We're in the "evaluating before taking the plunge" stage.
I wrote a similar-ish post about ten days ago. I haven't written anything sense. It's hard to write for an audience that is so different than the one you have in your mind or the one that was there when you started blogging. Somewhere the Internet starts dictating our voice and I know the pull to please the masses. It's great to stand apart from that. Never stop. Ever. I'm fighting for my voice, for my family, too.
I've only been doing this blogging thing for a year, and already I've learned some things.
1) It's easy to get trapped in the whole "how many are reading", "how many are commenting" kinds of things. I even obsess occasionally over day-to-day variances! Then I get a grip.
2) A blog can serve many purposes and these purposes may change over time. For mine, I focus (and sometimes have to hunt for) the positive sides of things just because it is too easy for me to careen at a suicidal pace to the negative side. For myself, it helps me straighten out. In another year, who knows?
3) It boggles my mind how much you have experienced and accomplished in the past year. Letting the cracks show just makes you human. Personally, that comforts me, because you would totally freak me out if you were just knocking the pins down left and right without a couple of them bouncing out and hitting you in the head!
4) I started my blog because your posts make me want to write ridiculously long comments, and that's just not fair. So, now my writing spills out over there. I can also relate where you are coming from and totally understand the reduced writing! I can see I day coming when that will also happen for me. Part of the natural blog cycle, I think. No need to apologize.
5) If it wasn't for you, I would never have flung something from a trebuchet. THANKS! That's more fun than a potato cannon.
Frankly, I enjoy your blog but as guarded as you are, I don’t know how you’ve tolerated doing as much of this as you have. You’ve put so much of yourself out on this blog – your thoughts, your desires, everything. It’s there for your friends to see, strangers to critique, and your enemies to exploit. It comes complete with pictures and specific geographical references to further bring your life into focus. And worst of all, sometimes your blog becomes the address where nut jobs get to leave a flaming bag of poo on your front step. I can imagine it can be draining.
Who are we to complain to you that we’re not getting enough of your private thoughts and opinions? Dana, write what you want, when you want. If you’re on a roll and want to scribe daily, go for it. If you hit a dry spell, that’s cool - we’ll keep your URL in our favorites and check in periodically. Set that expectation now, and give yourself a break. Don’t let the “Dana Show” become the “Truman Show”. You owe us nothing. Those little men in your life (and the big man they spawned from) deserve your time more than your readers.
Go live the life you’re writing about.
I have been reading you for quite a few years now and have even sent some friends your way. I love your honesty and if you don't post everday, that is your choice and it should be, write for yourself. I am jealous because I cannot write as good as you do and I am not as creative as you are, but I love to read what you do write. You make it all seem ok if your family is crazy and your kids can be brats and sometimes you just want to run away. It makes me realize that there are more people out there like me....I am not mother of the year or wife of the year and it is ok if you make mistakes. So keep doing it for yourself, but realize that you do make an impact on people because you do write for yourself, oh hell this makes no sense, just know I think you are great. (see I can't write as well as you do :) )
I think you should keep writing as you always have...straight from the hip, you say what you mean and mean what you say, and SO what if the squares freak out? The whole point of a blog is to express YOUR feelings, ideals, etc. NOT those of the general public. I, too, enjoyed it when I could read your blog everyday and see a new post, but the reality of that is that you have a life, a family, and about a million other responsibilities that might keep you from your blogging. It's life, and like they say, it happens. I don't think you should have to ever feel like you have to sensor your blogs, especially on this site, because Mamalogues.com is who you are...your candor and honesty is what makes me come back everyday and check for new posts. I'm not a SAHM, I don't work from home, I don't homeschool my kids, and I have teenage stepsons as well as an eight-year old daughter, and I STILL identify with almost everything you write. I would be so disappointed if I knew you were writing things just for me to read, rather than writing for yourself on Mamalogues. Who cares what we think, or what the squares might think? Write what you want to write, how you want to write it, when you need to write it, and that's that. If anyone gives you any crap, then you don't need them, sponsors included. I've always found that when a door closes, another one will open up and its almost always a better deal. Thank you, Dana, for being who you are and writing what you write. ;o)
You are not alone. I understand when it becomes a drain to keep up the blogging. Life is constantly changing and, at times, there is a lot to write and share. There are other times though where there is no time or energy to write. During the draining times, I find it is time to take care of me, whether is it taking a time out and curling up on the couch or just doing something for me and no one else. I haven't posted to my own blog in quite some time, every time I think about it I am drained b/c there are ppl in my life who do not like the fact that I share things publicly. They don't understand it is therapy for me, not them. I started my blog while I was in therapy for PTSD and it is where I go to write about the things I really just want to get off my chest not necessary discuss with people in person. Basically, all I am trying to say is I hear you and can totally relate. You are not alone. Close up the computer and go take some time for you. Your loyal readers will all be here when you return.
You and your blog are fabulous Dana! I think you are an amazing multitasker. The fact that you accomplished so much on your own terms is an ispiration to all of us.
I enjoy your writing and how honest it is. I think that you have weathered a challenging year and I would expect nothing more than your blog to reflect that, whatever you choose to share.
Dana, I think most bloggers feel the way you do. We often vary between the extremes of believing no one cares what we write to thinking everyone does. Of course, the truth is somewhere in between. I'm committed to writing at least once a week and commenting at least once a week. Prayers for a great school year for you. Enjoy your cuties!
You are the captain of your own ship. If Life should ever dictate that you step away from blogging, either temporarily or permanently, then so be it. You don't owe us any explanation.
Been there, didn't handle it well.
There are some articles out there, if not outright studies, that discuss the lifecycle of bloggers and how it's so much different than writing for "traditional" mediums. Some think that it's the increased personal interaction that ups the stress levels over a period of time. The articles I've seen made estimates that about 3 years is a line when folks tend to drop off their blogging patterns/schedules.
That's exactly what I did - I blogged for about 3 years, then got completely burned out. I stopped. I am, however, considering starting back up. I guess I'm either healed or just have more to say again.
You, on the other hand, have mad writing skills as a vehicle for a great sense of humor, "a little" sarcasm, and unique observations on life.
I wouldn't dare advise you one way or another, but it's obvious to me that you have supportive folks on here, and maybe knowing others have felt similarly is helpful.
What everyone else said..you have a gift for communicating your thoughts, feelings and experiences in a way that makes everyone want to read it. If I get say, I would say keep writing honestly and don't get all hung up on the statistics and who's following you junk. People started reading because they liked YOU. Not the PC you or any other kind of you. Your transparency is what draws us to you. Honesty is highly under-rated.
don't delete and if your blog was all sunshine and daisies i wouldn't read it. but i'm here now, aren't i?
For what it's worth, the new mommy column on the StL P-D isn't very good. In fact, I've been waiting for them to make a change because it's that bad. It makes me (and probably others) gravitate toward Suburban Fringe, which is great for that Bob dude - so I'm happy with that!
Anywho, hang in there, sister. You have a great gig and loyal readers.
Immanuel Kant.
I've been thinking about Kant a lot lately, because I can barely understand the guy and I'd really like to. But as I've gone through my own "Hey, dude, you used to write like no one was reading and now you're starting to sound like you're pandering or all wrapped up in the non-writing parts of it" period, I've been thinking more and more about Kant.
About how he thought that the concepts of space and time were not external to our minds or our thoughts, but were rather the conditions on our thoughts that made experience possible. About how he thought that a set of twelve categories, pure concepts of the understanding, were the forms of all thinking and our thoughts necessarily took their shapes from these categories, even though what these categories describe, things like quantity or substance, have no existence in the world BENEATH the level of our experience, but rather they shape our experience. They are what is required for the thoughts to happen, but they don't reflect some deeper reality.
That's the way I've started thinking about readers. Now, I know that I've actually met a lot of them now and they are real people. But I have to think of them as a necessary condition on my writing and not a part of the writing itself. That is, the fact of the writing will reflect that there are readers rather than there not being readers; but the shape and content musn't, if I am to continue to take satisfaction in it.
But, as I said. I don't understand Kant very well.
It is called burnout. We all go through it. I worked the same job for 11 years, got burned out an quit. I did a total 180 job, realized I hated it and went back to the old job field, and now I appreciate this field much more. I could tell by your recent post that something was amiss. I have been a reader for over 2 years and can understand where you are at this point. Just hang in there!
I can tell when someone is writing to please their audience instead of writing what is honest. I have stopped following some blogs that started out great but then got really popular and the writing changed. It went from being real and personal to being staged and fabricated. I personally don't care if the writer's grammar or spelling are perfect. Good writing is from the heart. And girl, you do the best of both. Superb grammar, spelling and more importantly, you are real every time. I'm still here aren't I!
I've been reading your blog for some time and it is so much better than the new mommy column. I'd love to see something new everyday but then I think about how much you do and I'm floored. I can barely get work and 2 kids to school you do so much more. You know that family and faith are more important then posting everyday and that is what I admire most.
I'm glad you wrote this post. I do miss your more frequent posting, but it's your blog to do with whatever you want. I don't come here for you to blow sunshine up my ass. (can I say that?)(Wait, this isn't network tv!) I started reading your blog when I was half a country away from home. It reminded me what living here was like. It made me homesick. I found I stuck with your blog because you seem like a cool chick.
You have opinions that you aren't afraid to voice, and they're different than mine but not just thrown out there - you always have such great logic! You also remind me how rewarding having kids can be, and that it isn't all sunshine and hugs. It's tantrums and poo and stuff too. You're a great writer. I think my all time favorite is a tie between the diaper nazi one and the one about returning a turkey.
So Poo on everyone else - poo I say!
It's so strange to come across someone who you seem to have to much in common with and see them write a post about the very thing you were just dealing with. Like somehow somewhere you were not alone. That perhaps someone else gets it. That blogging isn't just about the moments where you can gush about children or accomplishments but there are some of us who cannot or will not choose between two halves of ourselves simply to make nice for those who are only a half.
Perhaps I caved when making a private blog and a pollyanna blog however I write in both and for me that has to suffice. For now. In the end I agree with you. Be yourself, write what you know and the rest will fall into place.
You need a vacation. Start planning to come to Lafayette for Festival International. Take in the Memphis Zoo and Children's Museum on the way down. Call it a field trip for the homeschooling.
I'd much rather read the "real" adventures of you and your family than some glammed up version that's meant to draw more readers and advertisers to your site. If you're not posting everyday, that's fine. That's life. Imho, it's easy to become addicted to a writer who is clear, concise, funny, and willing to take on controversial subjects in a coherent fashion. Of course, we'd love you to post every minute!!! But, that's unrealistic. You have to live in order to have things to write about. You take as much down-time as you need. I'd rather read quality than quantity.