The birds and bees and lots of screaming

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We have a lock on our bedroom door and we make use of it but for whatever reason we didn't this morning. All I know is that when I realized that the door wasn't locked, the action of that thought was like a beacon to the children playing upstairs and I heard the very flat footsteps of a seven-year-old boy coming down the hall. Chris and I reacted like two teenagers caught by their parents and there was a flurry of blankets everywhere and our booming voices shouting GO BACK UPSTAIRS NOWNOWNOWNOWNOW and during it all I caught a very cheeky-looking Liam peering around the doorjamb at us and shouting "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" before running down the hall and upstairs to tell his brother.

And I was all, no, you don't know what's going on because if you did you would've just DIED TEN HORRIBLE DEATHS from embarrassment right there in the hallway.

As it is, I am dying ten horrible deaths right now. I looked at Chris as we hurriedly acted like hey! No big deal! and said "Ohmygawd! WE ARE OUR PARENTS." I then rattled off a plan of action: "You have to talk to him, you, the boy," I told Chris as I fell over the bedside table while pulling on sweats. "We're also going to put bells on those damn kids so we know where they are at all times."

I remember walking in on my parents one day and to this day I have no idea what was going on except the first time I saw Cirque du Soleil on TV it vaguely reminded me of something I saw on that dark day of which we do not speak. If you think it may be traumatic for the other parties for me to recount it on my website fear not: it is not near as traumatizing as that one morning when I whistled a tune while I made my hard-working parents jelly and toast, barged into their room without knocking (my bad, my bad, my bad), and dropped the plate of toast on the floor while screaming because just, ohmygawd. Was he attacking her? Were they hurt? I did not know. I did know that I've seen National Geographic and I've seen the rhinos and monkeys and other creatures doing their thing and let me say that it in NO WAY prepares you for seeing what I saw. I'd heard things before at night but surmised that there were either monsters attacking them (in which case I was too scared to help) or that they were just reassembling their bedroom furniture.  

Afterwards my parents did what any good parents would do: they left me and my step-sister in the living room under the guise of "watching a movie" while they did yardwork. Nay, it was no movie; it was a documentary about how babies are born. It complimented their weird fascination with documentaries; once my step-dad told us that he rented us a cool movie which ended up being a James Brown documentary. I don't know, either.

I've really tried hard to be the cool parent, the one who's all "Oh, totally! Yeah! Babies come from sex!" Liam asked me once where babies came from when Chris was at work. I totally froze and punked out. "Um ... from ... God?" I replied. It was the easiest answer ever and it satisifed his curiosity thus, I was scot-free for a little while longer. YAY CHRISTIANITY. 

But today. When he shouted "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" as he ran down the hall; I have never been so embarrassed in all my life and it is my nature to embarass myself routinely. Chris went up to talk to him and, to save the rest of my self-worth with careful vagueness, I would just like to say thank you to my obstructionist comforter and quilt, praise jeebus. Liam didn't really know and he believes that it was just a WWE event. Ohmyword I am stopping now.

Please for the love of all things holy, commiserate with me. If you were ever in this situation, what did you do? If you are a parent to me this does not include you because I am an admitted prude who likes to pretend that you still don't know about any of this SO ROLL WITH IT. Chris and I are preparing our Powerpoint presentation entitled "Birds and Bees" for Liam. I realize that as soon as he knows Ewan will know and Ewan never shuts his mouth so we're in for so much fun. Somewhere my mother is laughing like Squidward while mumbling "PAYBACK." 

46 Comments

Oh my word, I laughed during this whole post, possibly sounding like Squidward as well.

Yeah, I've been busted, even with the door locked. I guess the lack of immediate response to the knocking clued them in to the fact we were doing something scandalous.

However, I never busted my parents until I was about 35. I'm scarred for life now.

At least you have a door that locks-ours you can push open when the lock is on. Then again, I could just fix it....

So far we haven't been caught in the past 7 years, and I hope that continues for another 11 years!

Oh my word. Thank you. I so needed the laugh. While we haven't yet had the joy of being in that particular position... there was the one time that Mommy & Daddy were talking & a child who shall remain nameless harmlessly asked through the door, "But, mom? What's that banging?" I abt died!

Of course, nothing tops the time we were living in a townhouse on base with apparently ultra thin walls, & my adult neighbor called to ask if I was hanging pictures at midnight the night before.

we have not been spied yet, but i think i would die. we have had the sex talk since another kindergartner was tossing the word around like a baseball last year. i remember walking in on my parents when i was a kid. i didn't know what was going on, but i distinctly remember seeing my dad on my mom and they were framed by the hallway light. they got a lock on their door shortly afterward.

Oh, I remember the dark day. I woke up around eleven or so at night, and realized that OOOH!, I WAS ABOUT TO VOMIT. Being only five or six at the time, I avoided anything that would collect my spew and instead headed into my parents' bedroom, to let them know the depths of my despair.

Guess what was happening in THERE?

I had a whole new reason to puke.

oh my, i have been laughing through the reading of that post. you crack me up.

our boys are too young to catch us in action (when there is action with twins in the house) but i will say they have some weird type of radar that alerts them to their parents attempting shenanigans and one will always wake up just as it gets good and start screaming from their room.

what is up with that, i ask? they must be trying to defend their positions as the only two we should have.

This has not happened to me as a child or as a parent (since I am not one) unless I pushed it out of my memory only to be revisited when I eventually go to therapy for something.

HOWEVER...once in high school I had a friend who showed up at my house in the middle of the night, speechless. She had locked herself out of her house past curfew, so she went to the sliding-glass basement door where her also-high-school-aged brother's room was because she knew he kept the door unlocked. There she encountered her brother and his girlfriend in a compromising position. After the horror of seeing that she went upstairs to tell her parents she was home...and walked in on them doing it. Sorry for her.

"except the first time I saw Cirque du Soleil on TV it vaguely reminded me of something I saw on that dark day of which we do not speak."

Pepsi hurts when snorted through the nose! :)

Try the book, "A Chicken's Guide to Talking Turkey with Your Kids About Sex", by Kevin Leman and Kathy Flores Bell. Great suggestions for parents of preschoolers on up.

I was laughing throughout your entire post. That is too funny! I've heard stories of friends walking in on their parents and how the event has scarred them for life as well. Though I never walked in on my parents I am sure I got an ear full one night when they chose to be less than quiet (and probably thought I was asleep). We've been married almost 14 years and have four kids. We have yet to be discovered but it could still happen!

My daughter is still in a crib, so as far as the kid catching us, that would be a no. But, my sister did walk in on us once while we all were at the Lake. The sister and her friend were out so we took full advantage of being alone. However, they came back early and heard noises. So they turned up the radio. Then when she thought everything was over, and I was joking with her, she came barging in. Only to hardly see anything and immediately left. We don't speak of the incident to this day.

Oh man, we just had one of those moments over Thanksgiving. Read all about it! I don't know how old your boys are, but this morning I was reading my Bible, about Tamar and Judah, and my 10 year old wanted to know what I was reading, so I had to explain all about prostitution on this lovely Monday morning. GAh.

Oh my gosh, I'm laughing and dying right along with you right now. That's seriously my greatest parental nightmare! All I can say is that if that ever happens to us I am praying it's with one of the boys and not with my daughter, because then I will have to be the one to talk to her about it and the thought of that makes me all dizzy with horror. I'm such a weeny.

I laughed so hard reading this!

My husband and I never had to deal with this when our kids were young. We never got caught....until recently. By our 22 year old son. Hey, we're alone in our house now and we didn't lock the front door. My son usually knocks but didn't for some reason this time around. And my husband and I? Well, we weren't in our bedroom. The mood, ahem, struck us while in the family room watching TV. I got away because let me tell you, I was FAST that day. I was The Flash that day. My husband didn't fair so well. Neither he or my son will ever be the same again.

HILARIOUS. Favorite line: "YAY Christianity!" I love love love it. We haven't been caught yet but only because we're amazingly sneaky :) Knock on wood. Knock on wood.

I'm so glad there are more of us who have sons, are married to self-employed men, and enjoy us a little morning "fun" every so often. Yay Christianity!

We totally got busted by our 5 year old. We didn't even notice until he was standing right next to us with the most concerned look on his face. "Daddy!!! Stop hurting her!" What do you even say to that?? I told him that Daddy wasn't hurting me. Then he asked, "then why are you making those scary sounds???!!" I wanted to die!!!!! I told him that Daddy was just giving me a good hug and those sounds meant I like the hug. Then I actually hugged my husband and made the same sounds again just to show him it was legit!! He totally didn't buy it. We're in our second year of therapy now...

HA ha ha ha! This happened to us a few months ago. Thankfully, our son is only 3 and it was very late in the evening when it happened. We have an old house (built in the 30's) so the doors creak- thankfully. (We don't have a lock on the door!) We were in the throws when we heard the door, to which my husband lept (or maybe I threw him)to the floor and I rolled over burrito-style into the covers as my bleary-eyed son walked in rubbing his eyes and said "OHHHHH TANDLES!" (interpretation, "ooohhh, candles")We shoo'd him back to bed and proceeded to die laughing. He never mentioned anything again so we assume he knows nothing. But now...I'm thinking we should really get a lock for that door....

Thanks for the laugh-and the reminder!

I accidentally walked in on my parents one time when I was 16. I have now just recovered my sight, jk.

We've talked with our kids in age-appropriate ways. They know as well that when our bedroom door is closed - KNOCK.

We also not only lock it, but usually place something in front of it as the lock doesn't work well.

I've also been told, but haven't tried, to go through 95 pennies out in the yard and tell the kids they can come back in when they find 100. That would probably be evil though :).

We've never been caught by our kids, but we were caught by our 4-year-old nephew when him and his family were visiting. We told his parents and they didn't seem to mind, but curiously they've never been back...

hahaha, what a great story!

I'm a kbillion years old and STILL remember the night my cousins and I marched in line into my aunt and uncle's bedroom. (To ask for a midnight snack??? Who knows!) Uncle was on top and screamed "Get out of here!"

We looked at one another, our mouths dropped open, realized the horror and ran for our lives. Then laid in the beds, afraid to speak of what we'd just seen.

Liam will be 80 years old and still remember this.

Just thought I'd brighten your day. :)

OMG, died laughing. My children (17 y/o girl & 8 y/o boy) have what we call the "sex alarm" anytime we even think about fooling around one of them decides to try and find us!!! We have been caught by both of them...in precarious positions. The girl was about 7 and the boy caught us this past Christmas break. I let the husband talk to the boy. There for a while (and not because of him catching us, prior to him catching us) the boy was facinated by S...E...X... because some friend of his told him blow by blow what happens during and how babies come about. How great is that?

Cirque du Soleil is MORE creepy in person, but analogous to walking in on your parents...thank heavens that never happened.

We haven't been caught yet (thank God), but we are starting to get more specific questions and are begining to notice the very, very early stages of puberty. She is still quite young, but has begun using what she refers to as a "training B" because she just possibly say the whole word- Bra. Training B, though. It sounds like she is getting ready for the sewing olympics!

I do remember my parents giving me "the talk". Under no circumstances use a pop-up book of any kind. The pop-up sperm has left me with an unnatural aversion to pop-up books of all kind.

Wow, Dana. That was hilarious. The whole Cirque du Solei thing got me! But, thankfully, I've never walked in anyone doing THAT. I guess, whenever I get hitched to some nice Southern belle (it's on my to-do list, but towards the bottom and bloody hard to read without a microscope) and have a kid, my plan of action is to have some type of board game under our bed at all times. That way, if my future kid walks in on us, I'll just just whip out the box and tell him we in in the middle of a spirited game of Twister or something. And if he just so happens to inquire further about our lack of clothing, I'll just reply that we're playing strip Twister and that were tied at the moment...just my thoughts. Yay Christianity! Too funny.

I'm sorry to laugh at your pain, but this was so funny. I can only imagine- thanks for sharing. :-)

My parents had a unique way of teaching us about sex. Rather than talk about it (dearLordno), or rent a movie (no VCR back then), they found an age-appropriate picture book for us overly-literate kids and stuck it in the bookcase, figuring we'd find it eventually. We did, because we were voracious readers and nothing was off-limits. I was about six.

The book featured a very 70's looking Adam and Eve couple--when I was older and found The Joy of Sex book in my mom's bureau (spewgagheave), the drawings reminded me of that kids' book. Anyway, they showed the couple blissfully walking out to the forest--a fuzzy, pastel forest---and babymaking there.

For years--YEARS---I thought that in order to have a baby you had to actually go out to the forest and have sex. Because my parents hadn't had any kids after me, and I knew they were up to something given the sounds from their squeaky bed, I figured the only reason my mom hadn't gotten pregnant yet was because it only worked if you had sex in the forest, like in the book.

You think you've got problems? My wife and I got busted on a pastors & wives retreat in colorado. By another pastors wife. And I am pretty sure she told God.

Oh, and I forgot to mention a little known fact. Now that my kids are all in their 20's, married, and having s-e-x themselves, it is just as nauseating to think about walking in on THEM in the act as it would have been for them to walk in on US. Which they never did. Because I always sealed our bedroom door with duck tape and crazy glued them into bed before The Big Event.

Don't you judge me ...

This is my worst fear at the moment. We've started closing our door at random times and making our kids knock to come in. But if my husband even looks like he's making a move I am up, locking that door fast as lightening. I WOULD DIE.

My best friend had her 5 year old walk in a few weeks ago. Middle of the night. No covers. No clothes. NOTHING. Kid didn't even make a sound. At some point she looks over and sees her daughter just STANDING there watching. Oy vey. I'd have dropped dead right then.

I remember when I was maybe 12 or 13 hearing all this noise and heavy breathing from my parents room one night. The first thing that came to my mind was that my mother was murdering my father and he was struggling to get free. I went down the hall to thier room (where the door was OPEN several inches) and asked thru the door if everyone was ok in there. I swear it was a few years before I figured out what was going on. I am just glad I didn't open the door! I can still hear that horrible breathing....

While this is screamingly funny, nothing really compares to your wife and you (or whatever arrangement you have) getting ready, like really really ready, for the ensuing festivities to find that somewhere between the time when you thought it would be a good idea to have a party, and actually throwing a party, a child has crawled into the party tent with you!

I don't know how much clearer I can make this, but it has happened more than once.

When I see you next, I will pretend I didn't just post this, just so you know.

Awesome post! Thanks for sharing your morning "adventure" with us.

We, too, have an older house & the door doesn't lock.. we always shut it tight & put a block of some kind against it--also, something over the keyhole. ;)

I am still mortified by the fact that my almost 10 year old son told my parents that he thinks "sometimes Mommy & Daddy do cardio-vascular exercises in their room with the door closed". SWEET!! ;) We haven't had "the talk" with him yet.. it's coming soon though & I am so.. chicken.

I also appreciated your comment.. YAY CHRISTIANITY. Funny how something that God designed for us to enjoy as husband & wife is so.. embarassing.

I'm not sure that we've been caught yet, but I know its been close a couple of times! I couldn't help but laugh, but I know I would so embarrassed when it happens to us. I would start out by asking him what he meant by "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" and then go from there. Let him do most of the talking, and you fill in when needed, you know? Take the heat off of yourself, and just see what he tells you. Then, just let him know that he needs to knock before coming in next time, or it will have some sort of consequence. I bet he'll surprise you with how he handles it. ;o) I usually find that when I embarrass myself so terribly that a day or so later, I end up uncontrollably laughing at myself for about an hour. ;o) It's the only way to get through it!

I've been caught and I'll tell you the story if you want me to send me an email..

My mom would probably not like me telling this story to the internet, but whenever I read about something like this I think about what happened only a few months ago. I am 21 and normally away at college. My sister doesn't live at home anymore so the only time my mom and stepdad have to worry about anything is when i'm home. When I go out with my friends I usually get home around 12 or 1am. When I was home (sometime in October I think) my mom told me at night when I get home to let the dogs out of thier room to go the the bathroom. That same night when I got home I opened thier door and let the dogs out and she definately forgot about what she told me. It was dark so I couldn't really see anything, but I could obviously tell what was happening. We never talked about it or brought it up, but she doesn't ask me to let the dogs out anymore. Now they sleep through the night and they get to go out when she wakes up.

Once when I was a kid, my parents went out of town for a week and arranged for an older couple (in their 70s) to stay at the house, cooks meals, etc. Grace and Fred were longtime friends of the family and stayed in my parents' bedroom. Well, they were obviously used to living alone. One night I walked down the hall past my parents' bedroom and saw that the door was wide open....there were Grace and Fred, just out of the shower, laying on the bed all buck naked and wrinkled, uh...canoodling. OH. MY. GOD. It's bad enough to stumble in on your parents, but to catch a couple of Grandma-and-Grandpa-type senior citizens getting frisky, well....it left scars.

Wow. I'm sorry, but I just couldn't help but laugh. This is one of my biggest fears, and we don't even have kids yet. I have no problem talking about sex, but the idea of someone knowing what we're doing and when we're doing it...I get incredibly embarassed by it. (I'm the girl who was NOT looking forward to my wedding night because I knew that everyone would know what we were supposed to be doing, even though most of the people there probably suspected that it wasn't the first time for us.)

I came from a family where we just didn't talk about sex. We joked about it, once my brother and I got to high school, but we didn't talk about it. For years when I was growing up, I thought the noises I heard coming from my parents' room at night were my mom having seizures, but I'm not sure where I got that idea. I have a vague memory of walking into their room one night when I was about 7 after hearing those noises and seeing my mom sitting up on the bed with my dad rubbing her back and he told me that she was having a seizure. Now I realize that he was probably trying to help her get dressed again and he probably just said the first thing he thought of to get me to go away.

The best story, though, was when we had a houseful of people staying with us when my brother graduated from high school. My dad was working out-of-state at the time, so my parents got to see each other only once or twice a month. He came home for the weekend and my parents made sure that everyone in the house knew how pleased they were to see each other. My mom is still trying to live that down...

Ohhhh...paybacks will come when Teenage Liam is making out with his girlfriend on your couch and you walk in on it.
When this happens - just say, "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING". Laugh and walk out of the room.

I won't disucss sex with my parents...at all. They consider me Amish because of this.
If they only knew.......

I have tears in my eyes from laughing at your story and all the comments. My hub thinks nothing of leaving the door open. I like having a closed door policy. Somehow, someway, even with 12 kids, we've never gotten caught, or else I have a mental block. LOL

Woot! Hubby and I were busted when our now 11 1/2 year old was probably somewhere around 3. Let's just say my daughter thought I was sick and that daddy was taking my temperature. Yeah. Since then, we've been pretty lucky. I'm waiting for that other shoe to drop though. It's just a matter of time.

That's hilarious! Our daughter hasn't exactly walked in on us, but one night, when we thought she was asleep, she yelled from her room across the hall, "What's going on in there?" Followed by, "Is someone having a nightmare?!" I laughed so hard I started to cackle.

As for handling the birds and bees talk, we have always answered every single question honestly. It's so much easier to explain to a small child because they don't know enough to be embarrassed yet. So there's only one person freaking out at the information being passed. Also the book It's So Amazing! by Robie Harris was particularly helpful, but a warning... it explains EVERYTHING.

I never actually SAW my parents doing the deed (they had a deadbolt on their door, swear to God) although whenever they were in there and the door was locked, we knew what was going on and that's just as gross. What scarred me for life was seeing my dad walking around naked in their bedroom when I was in HS. That image has been burned on my retinas.

I've been caught by step-sister, step-brother and Dad all at once, however they didn't know what we were doing. My ex boyfriend and were going at it with our bottoms off -- they just thought we were laying in bed with the blankets over us. I was so mortified.

Dana,
All I can say is new favorite. Best post in a while :-) I guess birds and bee's leads to my other fav, Satan Pants :-) Literally!

We too live in an old house with no locks on the doors. When our son was about three he walked in on my husband on top of me. He ran in, jumped up on the bed, threw his dad in a headlock and yelled, "I got him for you Mom". I have never been so embarrassed.

This is gloriously hilarious!!!!

With 3 boys in our casa we(pray and hope it doesn't)know this bound to happen!

Currently saving for therapy.

At least you have a door that locks-ours you can push open when the lock is on.

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