Don't you love my homemade signs? Thankfully my mother does not have the internet so she can't admonish me later.
Have you ever had one of those women in your life that was a <airquotes>friend</airquotes> but didn't act like it? One of those women who acted more like an enemy, a woman who crossed your boundaries, tore you down, made you uncomfortable? I think we've all had one and that's what we're discussing in this latest Momversation. I'm lucky in that I have a group of girlfriends that I adore (I also have several girlfriends that I met online who later became some of my real life confidantes). I can tell anything to these women, I know I have their support and they mine, and I have the best time in their company. It's a rare thing to find another woman who is on your wavelength. You tend to know pretty quick if they're someone with whom you can hang or not. The bad friendships I've had have made me treasure my genuine friendships that much more.
So when you have one of those "toxic friends," what do you do? How do you manage it - do you manage it? Do you put up with it or break it off and if you do the latter, how?
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Remember the Day in the Life Flickr series I created? I'm getting ready to do another one and I'd like for you to join me. The next Day in the Life will be this Friday. The rules are as follows:
- Join the Day in the Life Flickr group.
- Photos MUST be taken all on the SAME DAY, this Friday. A shot of your morning routine, another shot of a lazy lunch; the purpose is to provide a glimpse into YOUR life from YOUR perspective. Upload as you go.
- G-rated, peeps.
I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with!
Have you ever had one of those women in your life that was a <airquotes>friend</airquotes> but didn't act like it? One of those women who acted more like an enemy, a woman who crossed your boundaries, tore you down, made you uncomfortable? I think we've all had one and that's what we're discussing in this latest Momversation. I'm lucky in that I have a group of girlfriends that I adore (I also have several girlfriends that I met online who later became some of my real life confidantes). I can tell anything to these women, I know I have their support and they mine, and I have the best time in their company. It's a rare thing to find another woman who is on your wavelength. You tend to know pretty quick if they're someone with whom you can hang or not. The bad friendships I've had have made me treasure my genuine friendships that much more.
So when you have one of those "toxic friends," what do you do? How do you manage it - do you manage it? Do you put up with it or break it off and if you do the latter, how?
Remember the Day in the Life Flickr series I created? I'm getting ready to do another one and I'd like for you to join me. The next Day in the Life will be this Friday. The rules are as follows:
- Join the Day in the Life Flickr group.
- Photos MUST be taken all on the SAME DAY, this Friday. A shot of your morning routine, another shot of a lazy lunch; the purpose is to provide a glimpse into YOUR life from YOUR perspective. Upload as you go.
- G-rated, peeps.
I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with!
I just love how this paused screen gives the impression that you're flipping those 'B****es' the bird!
This made my stomach hurt....I have a toxic friend right now....and I have a year before I can officially dump her....(long term work commitment).....so I feel like I swallow a "poop sandwich" just about everyday just to get through it....saying something would probably guarantee a bunny boiling on my stove at the end of the day...
I call these friends "alligator friends"....all calm on the outside...seemingly doing their own thing...occasionally you can even touch them....but then...."BLAM!"...they bite you..and you never know when.
So I take breathing breaks, self affirmation breaks, and reality check breaks.....in between bites of my poop sandwich.
DANG GIRL - get outta my head. Coffee soon!!
Unfortunately the toxic people in my life are my family. And it has only gotten worse since I had kids (strangely - I had been hoping for the opposite). There was an incident recently that has me deciding whether or not I will ever be able to see them again. It is heartbreaking since my kids love them so much.
Kids who grow up in chaotic, dysfunctional homes often become "toxic friends" later in life. It's a pattern they're used to -- the upset, negativity, drama, etc. They get thrown off-balance when things are too calm and quiet. That's why they act out, stir up trouble, and push your buttons. Sound familiar?
Darla - As a universal statement, I disagree with it. I've known plenty of women who had dysfunctional upbringings who were and are lovely friends. I also know women who had picture-perfect upbringings who grew up to treat people horridly. You have the ability to choose whether or not to be a product of your upbringing.
I have a friend I've outgrown. We have kids the same ages, and for many years we did everything together. Then (because of some things in my life) I made a commitment to change some of my behaviors. She didn't. She's still nice but shallow; it's all about her.
Every couple of months I forget just how bad it is and we get together for dinner. I always leave thinking THAT'S the last time.
I have a 'toxic' friend from college who is selfish and very self absorbed who recently married someone much like himself only with severe emotional issues. Fun times. Right now I am at the point where I barely make an effort to contact him until he decides to communicate w/me.
..and this is after asking several times for us to get together and bury the hatchet. The sad part is that we've been good friends for 8 years and 1 year after he was married it all went down hill.
I have only two long distance phone and email friends. works out well, although sometimes i wish they'd be closer. to hang out with. or be on the same continent.
I had friends who acted annoyed with me sometimes, and I realized I kinda needed to work on whatever it is that was annoying. They're not my friends but still, i used that as an opp to grow as a human.
toxic friends, i didn't have time for. I never let them into my life. I was naive about some but you can tell who is just not friend material.
My biggest issue has been friends who were supposedly my best friends but then somehow never bothered to write, check in or anything even though I did well after I came to the U.S. It used to bother me but now I've accepted. We all have our life challenges or situations we're going through and I give them a good excuse. If they write, I'd be happy to say hello. But i won't be best buddies with them.
In life, a good friend is hard to come by. And I'm happy to have the one or two that I have. I think that's all one needs to confide in. But socializing, it would be nice to have more.
The best way to handle "toxic friends" is to just hit DELETE. Let everybody go on to other people.
I've had toxic friends in situations that I couldn't really control (graduate school), which is incredibly frustrating. You can't break up with them because they're going through the same classes at the same time you are. You can't stop socializing with them because it's a small group. This "friend" joined a study group I was in and it turned into her therapy group. If a good thing happened to anyone else, she immediately found a way to attach herself like a spider/vampire and suck all the joy out it. She tried to cut me out of the group by telling people fantastic lies which she would then deny ever saying. Every time she told these lies, she would call me and try to fawn over me. Eventually, I just chose to ignore her as much as possible and hung out with the friends I had in the group at separate occasions. I found out later that my friends thought I liked her and, thus, were nice to her - they couldn't stand her either. LOL.
Really, I think these toxic people are extremely insecure and have no other way to express their fear of rejection/socialization. I agree with Dana that you can choose this behavior and that it's not necessarily tied to upbringing. I think we make some conscious decisions about who we want to be and for some women, this style works.
THOSE sorts of friendships are the worst. When it comes down to it, if I feel a relationship in my life has become unhealthy for any reason, I eliminate them from my life. Maybe it'll work out later, but I'm too impatient to fuss about something that's not working out NOW.
Just one last comment: Yes, I agree that we can choose whether or not to behave like annoying poster children for Dysfunctional Families of America. Trouble is, many people just can't see themselves for the li'l drama queens that they are because, in their minds, all the world's a stage and everybody plays a role. 'Nuff from me, now...
I try to get out in as untoxic a manner as possible so I'll feel good about myself and not incur horrible karma. However, in my head I'm not so nice, so I'll probably get the karma anyway. Darn. It was my choice to have them in my life--I try to remember this when the indignation swells. And my choice to say bye-bye. I only had two toxic friends, but (of course two is enough--one is enough!!!) I learned so much from both episodes of toxicity that I feel I can recognize it now and avoid it in the future.
Are you in your powder room filming this? :) Had to ask!
Great topic to talk about! I think we can all relate.