Big giant Penelope

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"MOOOOOOM," Liam hollered up the stairs yesterday to my treehouse lair, my office under the eaves wherein I plot extremist activities because I am an extremist. It makes me sound hard. Don't take that from me.

"WHAT!" I hollered back. "DON'T YELL!"

"THERE IS A PENELOPE DOWN HERE!"

"A WHAT?"

"A BIG GIANT PENELOPE!"

There is a big giant Penelope in our kitchen? Like, a giant girl? WTF?

"WHAT IS A PENELOPE?"

"YOU KNOW!"

"NO! ENLIGHTEN ME!"

"THE THING WITH A LOT OF LEGS!"

"OMG YOU MEAN A TRILOBITE!"

Which no, it is not a trilobite, rather a millipede/centipede/silverfish, but I call them trilobites much to Chris's annoyance because "millipedes" or "silverfish" or whatever those little minions of Satan are called look insanely prehistoric and defy their benign name. Somehow in Liam's mind "millipede" became "Penelope." By the way, the folks who got close enough to actually physically count the legs on those things? PROPS.

"KILL IT!" I hollered back.

"NO! YOU KILL IT!"

"YOU'RE THE BOY! THAT'S WHAT BOYS DO! WHY DO YOU THINK YOU WERE BORN?"

"YOU'RE THE MOM! YOU BAKE AND CUT MY SANDWICH AND KILL THE BUGS!"

"OUT OF EITHER OF YOUR PARENTS, IT IS YOUR FATHER WHO KILLS THE BUGS!"

"WELL WHATEVER JUST COME DOWN HERE AND KILL THIS PENELOPE!"

"YOU KILL IT! YOU'RE ALREADY DOWN THERE!"

'FINE! I'M USING YOUR SHOE!"

Well played. Didn't see that coming. I finally lumbered down two flights of stairs to see Mr. Smart Aleck standing there holding my Converse shoe over his head, a wicked look on his face.

"FINE. You win," I said.

"I knew I would."

24 Comments

I love it. He and my youngest daughter should get together, they could plot very effective, very evil plans together.

Or maybe they shouldn't... for our sake.

Oh, that's hilarious. Quite fitting on a day that I heard Clive James say on NPR "Little boys are disgusting & devious and should be avoided if possible ..." talking about his memoir of childhood.

Devious ... and we love 'em that way.

delurking to say I LOVE this story.

Ok, Liam rules! I'm so impressed with his genius! It's evil genius, but genius nonetheless.

I wonder where he gets his cunning ways! Too funny!!

Here's how you could have beat Liam at his own game (feel free to use, royalty-free in the future):

You are still bigger than Liam, a situation that will only last so long. When you reached the bottom of the stairs, you should have picked up that little conniving rascal and crushed the penelope with HIS shoes...still on his feet (if you let them wear shoes inside).

Some days, I'm proud of myself!

The Kid squeals like a girl when he sees a bug. It's totally my fault since that's what he sees me do. You should have seen me hyper-ventilating when I saw ANOTHER big @$$ spider near my baby. Why - why - WHY do those things show up around the baby?!?

omigosh, i hate those things. i killed one yesterday (i think) by spraying it with febreeze. ugh.

Before the daughter got brave enough to kill bugs in the house she would trap them under a plastic Mardi Gras cup. Sometimes she would tell me, and we would either release them outdoors or kill them, otherwise I would come across an upturned cup over a desiccated dead bug.

Now she kills them with my shoes. The best part- she now picks up the remains instead of leaving them in situ.

Moral of the story - by the time they are civilized, they are old enough to leave home. You will never reap the benefits. Only their future roommates and spouses will.

Bloody heck, Dana, I got queasy just reading your hilarious post : ) I'm pretty arachno/insecto/phobic. If I saw a Penelope I would run screaming for the hills (and I would never date anyone with the name Penelope, either...shudder). I have periodically had hallucinations of spiders and insects appearing out of nowhere causing me to go into spasmodic fits of paranoia. The worst incident involved me getting inside my car and noticing what appeared to be a giant leaf on the outside of my dashboard. It turned out that this leaf uncurled six legs and scampered up my car. It was so large I could hear its toenails clicking ominously on top of my metal roof. The entire time I was hoping and praying someone would just roll the dice and scream, "JUMANJI!!" and end my despair. I'll never know if I discovered a new species of insect that day and I don't won't to find out. EVER.

Liam is brilliant!

Had I said that to my mother she would have hollered back, "Wipe my shoe off when you are done". She is a tough cookie.

That is too funny! Smart kids to use your shoe has a hostage!!

My son is fascinated by bugs but screams like a little girl when one crawls near or on him. I hope my daughter is braver than the two of us put together!

Reminds me of last summers fishing trip with the boys. Liam caught a fish, & as I was trying to take it off the hook, it fell in the boat flopping in front of Ewan who let out a sonic scream that echoed across the lake & through the valley. I was laughing so hard I could not retrieve said fish. He than began chanting mommy daddy to which I nearly fell out of the boat laughing. When I regained my composure & wiped away the tears the fish was safely back in the water. The year before he showed no fear. I can't wait to see him this year!

I'm so looking forward to these boy exchanges. That son of yours is hilarious.

I love it! Penelope. Lol.

Thanks for this one :-) Especially this.... "There is a big giant Penelope in our kitchen? Like, a giant girl? WTF?" and then for him to rattle off your job description....I loved it!!

Hee! Such a clever young man, Liam. Not to mention confident (both a blessing and a curse, 'twould seem). If he starts blogging in the future, I'm sure it'd be nonstop fun (for me, at least; probably not so much for you. ;)

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