How did you prepare for a second child?

I have five kids. I had the first three in 23 months, with no multiples (October '01, '02, '03). So I don't think my transition was normal. Zero kids to one kid was the hardest mentally. Four to five has been the hardest logistically. We have a tendency to only remember what it was like to add a child at one specific time. But circumstances change. Your oldest child is older now than he was when your family grew last time. Your second child is not a baby anymore. Sure it is challenging to add to your family. But are the rewards greater than the challenge? Only you and your family can decide that.

I have two kids, 2 and a half years a part. I have always been a pretty laid back Mama. However, having the second child hit me like a ton of bricks (and she was planned unlike Mr. Surprise). 1+1 DOES NOT equal 2, more like 5. Although I knew everything (child birth, breastfeeding and all the care-that was easier) and I had a relatively easy baby, fitting this 4th person into our lives was nearly all I could handle. It took me over a year "recover" and to feel like I had a handle on things. I always planned on having three kids, but after my second: NO WAY am I prepared to have any more kids. My friends with more than 2 kids says it gets easier after 2, and the 4th...but I don't want to risk it.

I have three, 8yr boy, 6yr girl, 4yr boy. I was sooo uptight and worried over the first one, my mom and sisters still make fun of me! (BTW - Mom had three girls and, after hanging out with my boys, swears up and down that God knew she couldn't have handled boys. Sisters don't have kids, yet. Can't wait til I get some ammo to hit back with!)

When my daughter came along, the birth was so traumatic for me, I swore she'd be the last baby. So I took time to enjoy all that baby stuff with her. But as she grew, so completely different from her brother, I was more laid back in some ways, more keyed up in others.

Baby 3 was as total a surprise as can be considering we do indeed know what causes this. ;-) But with him, I knew for sure he was the last baby because after a troublesome pregnancy and a 3rd high risk birth, I had my tubes tied. so no more for me. I took plenty of time to enjoy the baby stuff, but it's just been so laid back and seamless as he gets older. We've BTDT, so whatever he throws at us is easily handled.

I'm a military wife, and my hubs is deployed, so they really outnumber me right now. We homeschool even. But really, #3 has been so much easier then #1 or #2 in so many ways. yea, there are days when I wish I could ship the lot of them to gramma's for the week. But I wouldn't trade any of them for the world.

Going from one to two wasn't too bad for us, even though my oldest potty trained late so I had two in diapers/pullups. I just found out I'm pregnant with #3, and I'm fine with it mentally/emotionally. The main problem is logistics. We'll have to go from playing man-to-man to a zone defense, using a basketball metaphor. Plus, we only have three bedrooms, so two kids will need to share, we'll have to get another vehicle that can fit three car seats, etc. Hubby is unemployed, so we're scrambling a little financially. Also, I did have a dream about twins . . .yikes!

I really think it all depends on the kid's temperment. Emma was wonderful, Shelby was easier from a Mom-experience standpoint, but whoooboy, her temper. Noah...a dream.

Not a day goes by that I don't regret agreeing to the V. I'd probably be pregnant now with our 6th kid. lol I always feel like there's a little person missing.

Going from 2-3 was a breeze, but probably mostly because my pregnancies suck and are unbearable and I go into the end with the mindset of thank Jesus that's over! Time to enjoy the baby!
I know I stressed out over the arrival of, but only because the girls were SO easy going - I figured he'd be the terror child. And of course, he's the poster child for happy babies.

And omg, the holding hands thing. On a daily basis it kills my heart and scares me for the future of having to let them go...

I thought the transition from 1-2 was a piece of cake. But, my second was a freak of nature and was seriously the easiest child on the PLANET! Like. at 6 months, I talked to my pediatrician about the fact that I was worried that she was sleeping about 19 hours/day still.

Going from 2-3, however, was rough. My third was not the easiest baby (poor eater, poor sleeper) - plus, we only have three rooms in our house, so we had to transition to two kids sharing a room. Oh, and they were all three under the age of 5.

My youngest is 16 months now. It's not necessarily any easier, but I'm no longer sleep deprived, which means I can at least handle it with some semblence of sanity now.

And now we contemplate a 4th, but if we do that we'll have to adopt (which I want to do) because this body is done producing...

I have to agree with Nicky ... it's all about temperament. In the big picture, the logistics of running errands, going to classes, and feeding all the mouths really pale in comparison to their mood -- hour after hour, day after day. And don't get fooled into thinking "Hey, I'm pretty laid back - I'd never have a high-strung kid." Because that's like the most perfect invocation of Murphy's Law. Kids are born with their personalities. My point is ... when you consider the possibility of a child - be it #1 or #10 - think of the worst-case scenario. Can you handle a baby that cries all day and all night for the first 18 months of their lives? Or how about a child with special needs? Because if the answer is yes, then you're good to go ... and chances are, since you've mentally prepared for the worst, you'll be pleasantly surprised. And if not ... well, then you're still at least as ready as you can be at the starting line of the longest marathon of your life - which is to say, still not much at all.

I have a 2.5 year old and a 11 month old. The transition into parenthood with my first baby was much harder than having a second. I was more prepared, I knew something about breastfeeding, etc.

What I was not prepared for was how they would both need me at the exact same time ALWAYS and that my oldest child would nearly always be the one who had to wait (the triage of baby vs toddler). He was 18 months when the baby was born, so age could have had something to do with it. But it is still hard to not be able to be all things to both of them all the time.

That said, they're starting to do things together - baths, etc., and are just beginning to really enjoy each other's company. THIS is the reason I had a second child! I was close to my brother and wanted my son to have somebody his own age to share things with. Seeing them look into each other's eyes and laugh makes it all worthwhile tenfold.

Dana, we are right where you are right now. I have two beautiful, healthy boys, ages 2 and 4. My husband would love to have a third child, but I'm hesitating because I'm a stay-at-home mom with a husband who travels a lot (pilot), I have really rough pregnancies, and I'm 39. Not to mention the physical issues that come with having children "later in life", i.e. peeing my pants and feeling like my hoo-ha is hanging out. A third child will exacerbate those things. My heart wants a third child, but my head thinks my heart is completely nuts. Everytime I run into someone who has more than two children, I ask them for the honest scoop on what it was like transitioning from 2 kids to 3. Nearly everyone says 2 to 3 is easier than 1 to 2. Although, with my luck, I'd have twins - they're more common with older moms. I wish I had some wonderful insight for you, but I'm struggling with the same thing.

Well, my story is a little different than everyone else's, as I only gave birth to one of my children--my nine year old daughter. I have three teenage stepsons, one who is almost 20, one who is 17, and one who is 15. I'll be honest, when I married my hubby, I was not prepared for three additional children, much less boys who were teenagers! I thought I was, but whew boy, was I wrong! ;o) It's been a learning experience, but I wouldn't change it. I'm not really sure if you can ever prep yourself for another child. I think it just gets easier the more you have because like you said, you're over a lot of those first-time Mommy jitters that freak you out all the time! Would I ever have a second baby--sure, I would. Would I be prepared...probably not, because every baby is different ;o) All my kids are older, so it would definitely be easier in terms of not having a bunch of little ones running around at once, but I think everything else would depend each individual day ;o) I, personally, think you'd do just fine with another little one, but it's definitely something to think about ;o) You're a wonderful mom already, so time and more children can only make you better ;o) I'm sure your boys and Chris would agree!

Dana - I agree it depends on the kids' temperaments - but the key for us when #3 arrived was actually the temperaments of the older two already here:) Even though Baby #3 was a surprise, she was an absolute dream to have with us (still is, 2 yrs later) and it was handling the older two during the expansion of the family that was the bigger challenge for us. You have two wonderful boys - and if you feel confident that your first two can understand what is happening & you can guide them in becoming Baby's protectors and Mom & Dad's helpers then I believe it would be easier than if they were a lot younger right now. My first two were young when #3 was born (3 & 2 yrs) so they didn't really 'get it,' we were still struggling with potty- training & bedtime issues, and so it was tough w/3 in diapers - can we say sleep deprivation?? And the hard truth is that the whole being outnumbered thing IS tricky to juggle - as our friends warned us, "Once you're outnumbered, you'll always have one missing" and they were soooo right. BUT the good thing is that she has changed the dynamic of our family in wonderful ways we couldn't have predicted, and has a remarkably special relationship w/her older siblings. My high-energy, loud, rough and tumble son will become jello when she comes at him with her endless kiss-n-huggie-fests. They both still announce her to friends as "... and HERE is our baby! Isn't she preshus?!" And we've had all three kids while I was working full time, hubby was stay-at-home parent while finishing up his PhD and teaching the kids at home AND being a pastor, AND moving twice. You'll definitely experience a change in the family schedules/pace with Baby #3, but you'll find the right rhythm again eventually and things WILL fall into place... really. They will.

I have five kiddos. The first four came within 16 months (two sets of twins). So like the other commenter mentioned, we are not "typical". I have to say that the transition from four to five has been an absolute breeze. And it's not that the transition from 2 to 4 was easy, but the transition from zero to 2 was definitely the hardest.

I agree - 0 to 1 was hard, 1 to 2 was easier, and 2 to 3 was easiest so far. We're now expecting #4.

We homeschool, so they are all home with me. In most ways, it's easier that way. They are now 7, 4, and 2 and have such wonderful adventures together. The oldest two are boys and the younger two are girls.

We have decided to stop at four. Best wishes with your decision.

I always remember your line, you look around the table and ask, "Are we all here?"
I do that for myself and know that yes, we're all here, but I would love to see what another brother or sister would look like. Only you know the answer to this question. Don't worry about whether it's easy or hard, it's never easy, and it's never really hard. And there are things to consider as you get older related to special needs.
Kids are amazing period and as long as they are nurtured and loved, it's all good.
Different people just handle a growing family differently. (i know if I can handle two, you can handle three! and i had an extremely angry wild adopted daughter to deal with at same time.)

I have 3 kids: 8, 4, and 2. Having the second, going from 1 to 2, was a piece of cake. Hardly a bump in the road. When I had my third, I lost control of my life and NEVER GOT IT BACK (may have something to do with my born-diva daughter's temperment). Obviously, I love all three and wouldn't change a thing, but between you and me, THREE IS TOO MANY. They outnumber us now, and OMG the fighting! You would think you only increase the fighting by 50%, but it's so much more. Now #1 can fight with #2 or #3, or 2 can fight with 3, or 1 and 2 can gang up on 3, all three can be mad at each other at the same time....etc. etc. etc.

My husband is pushing for a 4th, but I don't see how I could do that without reinforcements (nanny, valium, something...)

So far, for me, going from one child to two was the hardest transition. I currently have four sons (6, 4 1/2, 3, and 1) and am due with a daughter in August.

Really, adding another probably wouldn't be as bad for you as you imagine. Your experience is with two who are little at the same time. Your kids are old enough to actually help out quite a bit and, with my kids at least, they do enjoy helping with the baby.

Ultimately, it comes down to what you think you can handle--not that you can ever totally be "ready" for another kid. But you'd be amazed at what you are capable of doing once another one arrives.

We went from zero kids to two (3 and 18 months) literally overnight due to a family situation. We're now working on adopting our two girls and talking over whether to adopt our next child or attempt the whole pregnancy thing. The people I have asked about having a third child have all said it depends on how pregnancy goes - if you are one to have horrible pregnancies, imagine how much more exhausted you'll be with two active children. We will probably adopt number 3 (and 4 and 5, if I have my way) because honestly, nothing about being pregnant or having a newborn appeals to me in any way. I like babies when they are sleeping through the night and able to communicate with me, even if it's nonverbal communication.

we started with 2, so i can't help you there, but you know how that went. 2 to 3 was pretty easy since the girls were 4 when the little bug was born. 3 to 4 was hardest since he was only 2.5 when miss james came along last august. things are moving along just fine now that everyone is getting older and more capable of handling the fact that baby sister is going to get his things whether you like it or not.

Being the sole caregiver to four children - ages 11, 10, 6, and 5 - I've always said it was most difficult going from one to two children. Anything after that was just BONUS! I'm pretty mellow, but I do claim I have an excuse for being neurotic about the firstborn since he was 10 weeks early! I never worried about being outnumbered either. I'm old school (and right across the water from you Dana), which means they know that "Mama don't play"! I often get compliments on what great and well-behaved kids they are...even from the two-parent families!! I used to call them my brood, but now that they getting older I'm changing that to "My Entourage". Has a nice ring to it doesn't it??

Number three isn't that hard, although during my pregnancy with number three I worried all the time if I could handle it or not. My first two were aged 3 and 2 at the time. I had one incidence of heavy bleeding during the pregnancy and I forgot all my fears...all I thought was "I WANT THIS BABY!" The prospect of losing him terrified me. Now he's a beautiful almost 4 year old boy, and the easiest of my 4 kids. When I was pregnant with my fourth, I was not even worried. With all the experience I already had, I new what I was in for. (That being said, now that he's a toddler, he gets into stuff the other three never thought of...:)

Just as a side note, twins run in both my and my husband's families too...so we were afraid every time too...but it never happened. :)

I agree temperment has a lot to do with it. We call our oldest who is almost 8 our sucker baby. He was so wonderful as an infant, toddler even to day he is the most laid back easy going child. He "suckered" us into having another one. If my second child also a boy age 3 would have been my first I doubt we would of had any more. He has been a high maintenance child from day one! When he and my husband get home from the sitters he looks at the table and if dinner is not there he comes into the kitchen and demands "where's my dinner?!"

Both of my pregnancies were high-risk and I was told not to have anymore after my first but we went for it and everything turned out ok. But I agree I couldn't handle being pregnant again, not at 35. It was much easier at 26 than at 31.

You all are so helpful! This is exactly what I needed to read, thank you all for sharing.

To the ladies who've had twins (two sets even!) or married into life with teenage boys, your skills, I'm in awe.

I have to agree with Jenn - I also have three kids 9, 7 and 3going-on-13. My first and second (both boys) were no problem, and transition was no problem because they were close. 3of3-girl(because I know we are done) is also a born-diva with an independent streak and attitude to boot, so she has completely challenged our family dynamic. I often times feel out of control because the fighting is also endless at our house and it *is* a challenge to do anything - especially now that the diva refuses to use a stroller. My grandparents had 10 children and I don't understand how people did it - we struggle with three. I dread the long nights of homework ahead... but at the same time wouldn't change any of it. I'm sure I'll appreciate it when I'm older (and less crazed perhaps). Good topic Dana :)

Our second "child" was a dog, so our prep was buying a house with a big back yard. Our neighbors have 2 and 3 kids (each side) and I don't know how people do it. Seriously, the logistics of 3+ children is basically giving up your life and sanity for the first 10 years.

I have 4 kids 5, 4, 2, 3months. I almost had a breakdown at the end of my pregnancy for my second one wondering how I was going to take care of 2 kids but it ended up going well. My girls were pretty easy going. Adding the third one was just putting another one into the bunch. It was much smoother than adding my 2nd. But adding this last one has been something else. He's an easy little guy it's just trying to handle them all at once. Grocery shopping is now a family affair and it's quite the adventure. I haven't been able to get out the door on time for anything since adding the 4th. We believe we are done and if my husband does get any ideas of adding another to the bunch I've already declared that the 5th must come with a nanny or a maid.

I have to agree with you, going from 1 to 2 was easy as pie. Even more so when the kids are spaced out a bit. Our son was almost 6 when his little sister arrived.

I wish I could say the same about going from 2 to 3. I'm not going to say it was the biggest mistake I've ever made because that would be saying my daughter is a mistake, and she's NOT. I wouldn't trade her for anything. But...I envisioned having three kids to be pretty rough, especially with our 2nd child not even being 2 yet. The truth is, it's far more difficult than I could have ever imagined.

I don't leave the house most days, grocery stores require two adults and two shopping carts, we were forced to buy a minivan (bleck) because of two large carseats, and I change diapers like an assembly line. What makes it all worth it?

I get three times the smiles, hugs, kisses, and giggles.

HAHAHAH I prepared for my second kid by saying "I don't want any more kids. Ever. Never.....huh? What do you mean I'm pregnant?"

I joke-but maybe the only reason I ever even ended up with two kids is because I DIDN'T prepare for it.

:)

Yeah, I'm like the last mom (Michelle).

After "OMG, am I PREGNANT...AGAIN?!" it was like "whoa, family of four, here we come."

To make a long story short, I determined to have this child drug-free, which was the single biggest change from having my first baby. We got out the baby stuff and ordered some new diapers. I made my OB visits and counted down to D-Day. I delivered him on the day I was supposed to have the shower. Two days later, my daughter went to preschool and announced "He's out!" Then it was mounds of paperwork (wills, life insurance, college savings plan, employee benefitss adjustments, etc. etc. etc...).

Ever since, my little boy blessing has been the Tasmanian Devil for the past three years. My husband and I both think that if he came first, and not our daughter, he would be an only child now and forever more. Hah!

Now, before anyone goes off thinking that I hate my son, I couldn't love him more if he were covered in chocolate (oh wait, he is). He's so cute when he's defiant, and he's cute a lot. :)

I'm late to this commenting party but.....

I have 3 - 10, 8 and "zero" (4 months)

I expected #3 to be a big change to the family dynamic and maybe there has been a big change, but we haven't felt it .... we just fell into a 3-kids groove pretty easily.

It helps that - so far at least - #3 is the Easiest.Baby.Ever.

However...
Talk to me again when she's more mobile and wrecking the older kids' Lego projects, and dashing out on to the soccer field (with me frantically chasing her) right at the critical moment in the game, or cranky because she didn't get a nap because naptime fell right in the middle of the middle-school-concert......