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I've been out-Peter Gabrieled

| | Comments (23)
Whenever I ask a question or need advice, the internet is always there to save the day, like that one good friend who knows everything - perhaps the one who showed you the proper way to pad a bra in junior high - not the anonymous frenemy who responded to your good news with "Yeah, well who do you think you are, I used to work with Talent Plus and then I moved to New York and that's successful, big fish in small pond." It leaves you all confused and the only thing you can make out of such a statement is that the commenter once modeled for the local JC Penny catalogs and now works as a waitress at the Times Square Applebee's.


Well damn, she showed me! (My gawd I'm so ignorant, aren't I? A VAT OF COFFEE. That's what. Blame Chris.)

Indulge me in my triumphs, no matter how small you think they are. It's noon and I'm still in my pajamas, so please. Don't hate.

On that end, I've noted your sage advice and I could not love you more, what, with all the fun we've had in the Day in the Life. I'll be in jeans with curly hair. If I look stupid it's your fault.

(P.S. Um, does anyone else think that Blues Clues was totally inspired by the scene at the :59 mark from Gabriel's video? Conspiracy!)

The Vader voice

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People! Your well wishes are so nice. Thank you. Thanks also to LeAnn who looked up menthol camphor inhalants online and sent me a link to this, which Chris purchased immediately and OH MY WORD. It's lots of awesome! Thanks!

Brian asked that since my cold has reduced my voice to the same murky vocal depths of James Earl Jones's, if I am doing the Vader voice.
Oh yes.
Very liberally.

I first noticed that I could use my powers for my own purposes by commanding Liam to do things while speaking in the Vader voice. He balked at having to pick up the eleventy-million Leggos lying on his bedroom floor until Darth Vader called him on the home phone (I was on my cell hiding in my bathroom, but that's irrelevant) and told him to clean them up.

"ALSO." Vader commanded, "YOU WILL HELP YOUR MOTHER PUT AWAY LAUNDRY. THIS WILL BE A GREAT SERVICE RENDERED TO THE REPUBLIC."

After I hung up, I heard Liam squeal with excitement in the other room.

"MOM! You will never believe it! DARTH VADER CALLED ME FROM THE ROBOT MOON."

I was all "Really? Wow. What did he say?"

"He told me to clean up my room and put away laundry."

I love that Liam is young enough to overlook why on earth the second-most powerful Sith lord would care about a messy room and laundry. I've thought about recording myself and wonder how long I can use this trick.

Also, I can sing blues really, really good with my sick-voice, a la Phoebe from "Friends."

The Vader voice

|

People! Your well wishes are so nice. Thank you. Thanks also to LeAnn who looked up menthol camphor inhalants online and sent me a link to this, which Chris purchased immediately and OH MY WORD. It's lots of awesome! Thanks!

Brian asked that since my cold has reduced my voice to the same murky vocal depths of James Earl Jones's, if I am doing the Vader voice.
Oh yes.
Very liberally.

I first noticed that I could use my powers for my own purposes by commanding Liam to do things while speaking in the Vader voice. He balked at having to pick up the eleventy-million Leggos lying on his bedroom floor until Darth Vader called him on the home phone (I was on my cell hiding in my bathroom, but that's irrelevant) and told him to clean them up.

"ALSO." Vader commanded, "YOU WILL HELP YOUR MOTHER PUT AWAY LAUNDRY. THIS WILL BE A GREAT SERVICE RENDERED TO THE REPUBLIC."

After I hung up, I heard Liam squeal with excitement in the other room.

"MOM! You will never believe it! DARTH VADER CALLED ME FROM THE ROBOT MOON."

I was all "Really? Wow. What did he say?"

"He told me to clean up my room and put away laundry."

I love that Liam is young enough to overlook why on earth the second-most powerful Sith lord would care about a messy room and laundry. I've thought about recording myself and wonder how long I can use this trick.

Also, I can sing blues really, really good with my sick-voice, a la Phoebe from "Friends."

Update

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The cold that mostly stayed in my head to give me day-long migraines, a constant runny nose, and that overall fuzzy effect is now trying to move into my chest. My voice is as low as that of James Earl Jones and infused with the husky rasp of a gin-soaked barfly. Liam has recovered; Ewan is on the mend. I have no patience and whenever I glare you can hear an eagle screech.

J.J. moved away without incident. He called Liam the week before last and they talked for a while. J.J.'s dad called me from Florida last week to say that the column about the boys almost made him cry and I was all WELL THEN MOVE BACK. Liam has stopped asking for J.J. on Sunday mornings but he still mentions him a couple times a week. So far, we haven't had to actually sit down with Liam and say "J.J. moved away," and Liam hasn't pressed the issue. We may have gotten off soooo lucky. Wait, I just jinxed it, didn't I? Some douche named Tom Wroth wrote to tell me that I sounded "pathetic" and stated:
"Parents like you are why kids become 'dependent'. Or does a child's dependency provide you with some sort of superficial sense of self-worth? I can't help but wonder how you'll embrace your child's grief when something really serious does happen."

I thought it was well-known that the smaller hurdles in life are practice for the really big hurdles and that the delicate issue of a five-year-old's best friend moving away is serious to the five-year-olds involved, maybe not so much to insensitive men who are obviously sans children because WHAT A SWEET TALKER.

Next week's column is about public breastfeeding and the poo-storm caused by reactions to Baby Talk's magazine cover. I cannot wait to see my inbox Monday morning, though I hope many can contribute to the discussion.

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