Feedback: August 2006 Archives

The Vader voice

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People! Your well wishes are so nice. Thank you. Thanks also to LeAnn who looked up menthol camphor inhalants online and sent me a link to this, which Chris purchased immediately and OH MY WORD. It's lots of awesome! Thanks!

Brian asked that since my cold has reduced my voice to the same murky vocal depths of James Earl Jones's, if I am doing the Vader voice.
Oh yes.
Very liberally.

I first noticed that I could use my powers for my own purposes by commanding Liam to do things while speaking in the Vader voice. He balked at having to pick up the eleventy-million Leggos lying on his bedroom floor until Darth Vader called him on the home phone (I was on my cell hiding in my bathroom, but that's irrelevant) and told him to clean them up.

"ALSO." Vader commanded, "YOU WILL HELP YOUR MOTHER PUT AWAY LAUNDRY. THIS WILL BE A GREAT SERVICE RENDERED TO THE REPUBLIC."

After I hung up, I heard Liam squeal with excitement in the other room.

"MOM! You will never believe it! DARTH VADER CALLED ME FROM THE ROBOT MOON."

I was all "Really? Wow. What did he say?"

"He told me to clean up my room and put away laundry."

I love that Liam is young enough to overlook why on earth the second-most powerful Sith lord would care about a messy room and laundry. I've thought about recording myself and wonder how long I can use this trick.

Also, I can sing blues really, really good with my sick-voice, a la Phoebe from "Friends."

The Vader voice

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People! Your well wishes are so nice. Thank you. Thanks also to LeAnn who looked up menthol camphor inhalants online and sent me a link to this, which Chris purchased immediately and OH MY WORD. It's lots of awesome! Thanks!

Brian asked that since my cold has reduced my voice to the same murky vocal depths of James Earl Jones's, if I am doing the Vader voice.
Oh yes.
Very liberally.

I first noticed that I could use my powers for my own purposes by commanding Liam to do things while speaking in the Vader voice. He balked at having to pick up the eleventy-million Leggos lying on his bedroom floor until Darth Vader called him on the home phone (I was on my cell hiding in my bathroom, but that's irrelevant) and told him to clean them up.

"ALSO." Vader commanded, "YOU WILL HELP YOUR MOTHER PUT AWAY LAUNDRY. THIS WILL BE A GREAT SERVICE RENDERED TO THE REPUBLIC."

After I hung up, I heard Liam squeal with excitement in the other room.

"MOM! You will never believe it! DARTH VADER CALLED ME FROM THE ROBOT MOON."

I was all "Really? Wow. What did he say?"

"He told me to clean up my room and put away laundry."

I love that Liam is young enough to overlook why on earth the second-most powerful Sith lord would care about a messy room and laundry. I've thought about recording myself and wonder how long I can use this trick.

Also, I can sing blues really, really good with my sick-voice, a la Phoebe from "Friends."

Update

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The cold that mostly stayed in my head to give me day-long migraines, a constant runny nose, and that overall fuzzy effect is now trying to move into my chest. My voice is as low as that of James Earl Jones and infused with the husky rasp of a gin-soaked barfly. Liam has recovered; Ewan is on the mend. I have no patience and whenever I glare you can hear an eagle screech.

J.J. moved away without incident. He called Liam the week before last and they talked for a while. J.J.'s dad called me from Florida last week to say that the column about the boys almost made him cry and I was all WELL THEN MOVE BACK. Liam has stopped asking for J.J. on Sunday mornings but he still mentions him a couple times a week. So far, we haven't had to actually sit down with Liam and say "J.J. moved away," and Liam hasn't pressed the issue. We may have gotten off soooo lucky. Wait, I just jinxed it, didn't I? Some douche named Tom Wroth wrote to tell me that I sounded "pathetic" and stated:
"Parents like you are why kids become 'dependent'. Or does a child's dependency provide you with some sort of superficial sense of self-worth? I can't help but wonder how you'll embrace your child's grief when something really serious does happen."

I thought it was well-known that the smaller hurdles in life are practice for the really big hurdles and that the delicate issue of a five-year-old's best friend moving away is serious to the five-year-olds involved, maybe not so much to insensitive men who are obviously sans children because WHAT A SWEET TALKER.

Next week's column is about public breastfeeding and the poo-storm caused by reactions to Baby Talk's magazine cover. I cannot wait to see my inbox Monday morning, though I hope many can contribute to the discussion.

Still not pregnant

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VBS ran late last night and I am exhausted. Ewan ate some Play-doh, Liam sassed me and I gave him my "BRING IT" look, something odd happened which I'll discuss if and when it pans out; and something happened involving a friend which both angered me and hurt my feelings. I will elaborate when enough time has passed to act as a filter between my brain and my hands at the keyboard. I've been thinking about it all night and for most of today, which sucks, as my writing can be so acutely tied to my emotions sometimes, it was a little harder than usual to finish a humor column. I can't be all ha ha! with the funny if I'm scowling inside.

Plus, I had about twenty-hundred people e-mail to ask if I was knocked up, when was I due, did I think it was a girl, YEAY! Including my friend Sarah who read the comments and thought you all knew something before she did and she was wet-hen MAD. (Hilarious!) Especially since I was a total butthat and announced my last pregnancy on my old, old blog which was set on fire and destroyed, though I saved a few choice posts and imported them to MT. So if nature takes its hot, steamy course in the distant future and I have anything to announce, like the impending arrival of quintuplet boys because let's face it, we all know THAT'S WHAT I WILL HAVE, you'll know immediately because I totally suck at secrets.

Also, Jessica Alba was in town last night and our friend Chris filmed her and he totally got to shoot her in lingerie. I know what you're thinking: They're shooting a movie in St. Louis?!

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