How to Make Spawn, the Image Comics hero.
This is ridiculous. Do not look at this while you are eating anything. Because dang, Gina. I'm a really good cook and an even better baker, but last night, GAH. So:
Begin by making beef stew.
Allow your toddler, who's drawing on the storm door with a blue window marker, to distract you by rubbing his drawing off with his face.
You holler "EWAN. Stop it!" and when he turns around he looks like Baby Smurf.
Spend an inordinate amount of time wiping off The Baby.
Return to the stove, lift the lid to the pot, and scream. Congratulations! You've succeeded in scaring the holy crap out of yourself with your own cooking!
The stew is supposed to have the appearance of burnt flesh. Or George Hamilton. It should be taut. If it is not, go and occupy your time with something because it is no where near burnt enough.
Remind yourself "This is food, this is food" over and over as you set the table, bent on not wasting five dollars of beef.
Laugh inside as your five-year-old starts to cry when he sees what's for dinner.
As you play chicken with your five-year-old to see who will take the first bite, decide that it really is awful and end up making grilled hot ham and cheese sandwiches.
Be sure to tell your mother that you're taking her OUT to eat Saturday for her birthday.
Happy birthday Nana.
(And I Cook For CHILDREN Part 1)