It's been far too long since I've left you without an acceptable form to
medievally fling that which has been killing your soul. What's that you say? "medievally" isn't exactly a word?
Fling:
1. Anyone who doubts the sovereignty of this website and the right under which I have to completely make up words at my
lezzure.
2. This made-in-China POS Dell computer which taunts the will to live and my very soul from this fleshy shell. I want to disassemble and waterboard every last bitty bit of it. And then put a bag over its head and pose whilst giving the goat behind it. Somehow, that doesn't seem harsh enough.
3. Anyone who wants to raise my taxes in a recession.
4. The people who think that because I do the majority of work from my home and that I homeschool my children that I must have the time to do any number of things for them. I wake, work, breakfast, kids, lessons, email, lunch, lessons, email, kids, dinner, house, bedtime, work, work, work, email every single day - and on the days I'm at the station, driving the kids to outside lessons/playgroups/the store, etc. that schedule lengthens so get off my crank about it, would you please? I'm tired of dealing with the resentful attitudes of those who haven't a clue or the courtesy to ask about what I do in my day.
5. Anyone who allows politics to get in the way of friendship. It's ironic because politics are supposed to be public service, which is to serve others, to put others before self. If people are too narrow-minded to to connect with people on a deeper level beyond that of political affiliation, it says more about their lack of diversity in thought and unspoken perpetuation of bigoted societal stereotypes than it does about the person with whom they disagree. And I just don't have the patience or the heart for that.
6. St. Louis drivers. Was something recently released in the water? I have driven and been driven in various other cities and countries and I've noticed that there is an abnormal concentration of people who cannot drive or understand traffic laws here. Like the dude who threw his car in reverse and expected me and the FIVE OTHER PEOPLE BEHIND ME to back up so he could parallel park? And caused us to miss two green lights because he stubbornly refused to move forward? And I tried to mime to him from behind my steering wheel FIND ANOTHER PLACE TO PARK OR SO HELP ME I WILL BEAT YOU WITH MY WINDSHIELD SCRAPER. Or the lady who, as I made a left turn at a traffic light when given the green arrow, tried to ram her car into mine and then proceeded to honk at me for a solid minute and acted like the was going to hit me until I put my car into park in the middle of a parking lot, exited my vehicle right there in public, and lost my mind on her. Because I am the smartest person on planet Earth. My genius, LET ME SHOW YOU IT. All of that brassiness left her when she realized that my crazy beat her crazy. Gawd I am ashamed.
So for all the people who snottily s..t..r..o..l..l across the crosswalk when they see cars coming, for the people whom God has given the ability to drive yet withheld their common sense, the people who drive like they are the only people on the road ... I FLING ALL OF YOU.
7. The fact that Sam's does not carry Sam's Choice cola. Are they serious? WTH? "It's only at Wal-Mart," said the lady who eyed me as I ate my second egg roll sample. I have to drive 25 minutes to get to the nearest Wal-Mart which negates the idea of us moving to a pedestrian-friendly area. When I go to a super store and get my super-sized drink I expect to be able to purchase the cheap cola along with my five-pound bag of shredded cheese, thankyouverymuch because this is America.
8. The lack of an Ikea in St. Louis. I am going to break rank and pledge my mayoral vote to whomever can bring in an Ikea (among other things, but mostly the Ikea because I'm going to be shallow and sulky). Mayor Slay, I'm looking at you. I cannot pronounce a single stupid thing that store sells but I love it all. The Zxveqqwrtchienbok? I WANT THAT. I can see my little family, all of us sitting around the Drudethcngkfyrjjin enjoying a meal off of our Mhjjiuqqqqwqerespchleins while the entire room is warmly lit by a Schnudefrhakehhienjhn. Idyllic, isn't it? I mean, YES, the majority of it looks like white plastic furnishings found in a wholesale catalog that specializes in chemical cleaners and workboots but by gawd if the Swedes are selling it it must be FANCY. Plus those names? Way better than Standard White Dinner Plate or White Plastic Parsons Table. I want to fill my home with Mhjjiuqqqqwqerespchleins.
Things I do not want to fling:
1. The delicious goodness that are Sloppy Joes. I made a can for Liam and Ewan one evening and Liam was all "This is like spaghetti ... on two slices of bread!" I totally felt like Cousin Eddie for a moment.
2. Animal Crossing on Wii. Liam loves this game and it's so weird to me when he says things like "Yeah, I had to stop by Nook's today to sell some fish and then I went and paid my mortgage." I feel completely safe with him playing it and I don't have to worry about a computer-controlled rabbit showing him her cotton tail. Our of curiosity I created a character and got a little house; much to my relief it wasn't like that Second Life business that I hear about where all the women dress like hookers and even bald men can have long hair.
3. The little brownies from Trader Joe's. I stopped caring about abdominal six packs after I read some article where it says that women, if they cut too much weight beginning in their late twenties, will lose the fat that plumps out their skin, thus giving them fine lines and possible wrinkles, making them appear older than necessary. So I am totally using that as a crutch as to why I am going to eat Trader Joe's brownies at 9pm while watching a Tivo'd episode of "Tool Academy."
4. Rock of Love VD Bus. DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME. I spend the majority of my day doing selfless Mom Things and being responsible and working and this is my vice. Chris has to physically restrain me from making a mad dash to the kitchen to grab the Clorox wipes for which I'd wipe down the television after but
ohmyholyMoses: no matter how bad a day I've had, it will never match that of an adult film actress who stole a bunch of girls' nasty, sweaty hockey socks.
5. My new French Press. Our older, cheap one busted one day and I licked the shavings out of the coffee grinder until we bought more beans and this fabulous little press at World Market. I asked the internet about it on Twitter and this is the one the internet told me to get. Baaaa.
6. World Market. It's like an international bazaar without the bugs, beggars, odd smells, and sweaty tourists. If most of the products at that bazaar had a "MADE IN CHINA" sticker affixed to them. I really like their rugs.
7. Texas Roadhouse steakhouse. There are four things in life that make me feel distinctly American:
a) Making fun of French people
b) Lighting a bottle rocket out of a can of Stag
c) Shopping at Sam's
d) Eating at Texas Roadhouse
I like red meat, particularly meat that's cooked medium rare. I refuse to eat cooked fish (why when there's sashimi grade?) and I'm getting to the point where I almost think it's insulting to cook perfectly marbled, bright-red steaks. Anyway, I love this restaurant because they play Dolly Parton and you can get a gigantic steak and a loaded sweet potato. The only thing that weirds me out is that each table gets a bucket of peanuts and patrons are welcome to toss cracked shells to the floor. My kids were completely aghast the first time they saw it.
8. Free speech. I refrain from getting too political here because this is sort of my escape from that, but regardless on which side of the political spectrum you fall, the government should stay out of legislating speech for anyone, any party,
period. I wrote about such
here.
9. The dog-squirrel in my backyard that I have been battling for over a year now. I sat a bag on my deck to take to the dumpster and went back in the house to empty the kitchen trash in in those three minutes, lo, the dog-squirrel was up on my deck trying to pick its way through the plastic bag. I rushed out the door and yelled at it - while I had my wet hair in a towel wearing a pair of pink pajama bottoms with monkey faces all over them, mind you . When I turned to go back inside my neighbor, who was outside, gave me the blank-eyed, slack-jawed automatic wave one gives when terrified.
10) Ewan's progress on his K5 material. Whereas Liam is not competitive Ewan completely makes up for it and is flying through his workbooks. He writes well, despite the fact that he likes to write an M2 after his name on all of his papers which means it looks like this: EwanM2.
What would you like to fling? Just remember to temper it with something good!
