- People who wildly honk their horn as a way to signal "I'M
HERE GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND GET IN THE CAR AND LET'S GO" instead of exiting
the car and ringing the doorbell. Especially when it's dusky dawn. I want to go
downstairs and stab that horn with my razor sharp hatred of stupid loud crap
that people do in the morning.
- People who insist on making things a frillion times more
complicated than need be.
- Trader Joe's grapes. TJ's, I really love you, I love you
because you're like, the Whole Foods for people who would require a co-signor
just to buy a tub of yogurt at the actual Whole Foods. But your grapes are
either mushy or like rigor mortised toes. Please be more fresh.
- Liam's newfound sassy little attitude. If he rolls his
eyes at me again and I'm going to mat and frame a photo of him using the potty
chair and keep it on my living room wall until he starts dating, possibly
- Joe Mitchell wannabes whose elitism is embarrassingly
disproportionate to their skills and is apparent to everyone but them. They are
the nail in the coffin of traditional media. Their unfortunate fame-whore
aesthetic and overblown sense of self-importance blinds them from seeing their
cheapening effects on the validity of the press and prevents them from
progressing beyond hackneyed. To watch them practice journalism is akin to
watching a four-year-old stumble around in her mother's high heels.
Things I would rather keep on the ground:
- People who keep it real, even if "keeping it real" is just
loitering around a gas station asking for change so as to buy a forty.
- Banana bread with applesauce.
- Two of my girlfriends who came over when Chris was out of
town and stayed past midnight to drink beer and talk.
- Ink. I'm contemplating on getting some more, this time a
certain verse of Scripture above my elbow. As someone who can't draw to save
her life, tattoos are a way of mooching someone else's incredible talent and
keeping it with me. Some people think they look trashy which seems insulting to
the art of it; I really don't care so long as people who get them are happy
- My mother who purchased me a ridiculously-priced designer
bag to replace the one I bought at Urban Outfitters and had been using. She
said that my Urban Outfitters' bag looked like "cows' intestines." I've never
bought a designer anything in my life and detest knock-offs, but I love this
bag. I carry it around with me, even in the house, like Sophia Petrillo.
- This Ramones song. It's my favorite because - and no
insult to the late great Joey Ramone - the lyrics sound like something Liam
- Summer! Warmer weather, digging in the earth, homegrown
tomatoes, being outside.
- That my little rant on homeschooling was apparently "loud"
enough to be heard up at the state capitol. I received an email from the chair
of the House of Representatives' Education Committee: "...I will no longer patronize Subway for their
discrimination of homeschoolers. Thank you for getting the word
out. I wish I had a list of all those who discriminate against non-public
schools and homeschoolers. I've found a few myself and work hard to
protect homeschoolers as part of my job in the legislature. I can feel a
bill developing ..."
- Mullet wigs.